Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New Year's Eve Survival Tips 2014

NEW YEAR'S EVE 2014 SURVIVAL TIPS

 
- Make a ton of bad decisions. It's okay, at midnight all the bad things you've done will be gone! It's a new start! So finish fucking that person or snorting that line by 11:55 PM just to be on the safe side.  
- Don't drink the spiked punch directly out of the punch bowl. Trust me, I've done this, it's not a cute look.  
- Just don't drink the spiked punch. Especially if you're at a NYE party with a bunch of people you don't know. That's how you end up on Dateline or one of those other real-life crime shows that Robert Stack narrates. 
- Girls, DON'T WEAR RED LIPSTICK! This is the ONE time of year I tell the ladies not to wear red lipstick. Most likely you'll be kissing a guy/girl/he-she at midnight. You don't want that person to look like Sissy Spacek at the end of Carrie.
- Don't try to make a deal with satan. It's not worth it. You'll lose in the end and suffer eternal damnation. It's just a dumbest idea ever. 
- Don't watch that New Years Eve movie! It's HORRIBLE!
- Don't spend too much time trying to figure out where to go on New Year's Eve. It doesn't fucking matter. The new year is going to come whether you like it or not. Kinda like another shitty/amazing SyFy TV movie. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not.  
- It's okay if you want to spend New Year's Eve alone with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and reflections of  the past year. Don't let society make you think you have to kiss someone or be at some amazing party. 
- Don't drink and drive. This one isn't meant to be humorous or sarcastic, it's just common sense! We live in a world of Lyft's and Uber's. Why the fuck risk hurting someone else by being a complete dumbass? 



There are some NYE Survival tips. You're welcome! Be safe, and remember to spay and neuter your pets. 

LOVE YA! MEAN IT!

Fucking bye!


Monday, December 29, 2014

I Need a Minute...


Hello. I need a minute. It feels like there's been an avalanche of stupidity and doubt in the mountains of my mind and now it is blocking my creative pathways. I'm now waiting for the cleanup crew to shovel it out of the way. I would get out of my car and shovel it myself but I'm terrified of Yetis and Jack Nicholson chasing me through snow mazes... and Yetis that look like Jack Nicholson chasing me through snow mazes. Don't you love how metaphorical and deep we get here at the Foundation?

They look cute, but they are my enemy.
I have a lot of ideas for 2015! So if you are one of the two people who read this blog and you're still with me... GET PUMPED! We're going to be doing some exciting and un-exciting things that will keep us at the level of mediocrity we're already at! YAY! I'm going to continue making my mother not proud of me! YAY!

JK! But seriously, I do have so fun things planned and I hope you somewhat enjoy these things!

You should go lay down now, you're drunk.

Byeeeeeeeeee!

This would be me if I were a Yeti.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

My Interpretations of Popular Christmas Songs


Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Hope all of you are having a much less hectic Holiday Season than I am!

I was just thinking the other day how much a dislike Christmas songs. It's not that I really hate them, I kinda go both ways. I have to be in the mood for them. I just kinda find them boring and monotonous. They're the same damn songs sung over and over and over again, just with different people singing it. I don't care how many people sing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" none of them are going to be better than Judy Garland's ORIGINAL version in Meet Me in St. Louis. That's right, that popular Christmas song was written for Judy and no one else. DEAL WITH IT.

I got off subject a little bit, my point is, hearing these songs over and over again every year had me thinking "I should talk about MY interpretations/random thoughts on these songs!" You're welcome. So here we go!





Sleigh Ride

God I hate this song. It's so annoying! Here's the first verse:

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "yoo hoo",
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.

Doesn't that just sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking annoying!?!? And if I had friends who called "yoo hoo" at me, they would no longer be my friends, because that's fucking lame. Also, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas. I mean there is a lyric that talks about a Birthday Party, which could be a reference to Jesus's Birthday, which is Christmas, but that's a stretch and you know it. So yeah, this song sucks horse nuts.





Jingle Bells

Is there anyone in the universe who doesn't know this song? I mean, it's so annoying. I hate it. I only like it when it's about Batman. You know, "Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!" but even that is stretching my like for this song. Again, this is a popular Christmas song, that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. There is no mention of Christmas or Christmas related things. I mean, yeah there's snow and bells, but there's snow and bells in Alaska all year round and they don't celebrate Christmas every day.

Also the song has a few verses that are often left out of the original song. Like this one:


A day or two ago,

The story I must tell

I went out on the snow,

And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh,
He laughed as there I sprawling lie,
But quickly drove away.

That's horrible! Dude! That guy could be really hurt and he's just not going to help him? That's bullshit! Then there's this verse:



Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young,
Take the girls tonight
and sing this sleighing song;
Just get a bobtailed?bay
Two forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! you'll take the lead.

I don't know about you, but this sounds pretty promisculous and cocaine related to me! It sounds like these poor girls is gonna get gang banged! I don't like it. This song can go suck a dildo.




12 Days of Christmas

What the fuck? Can this guy just stop!?!?! Why is he getting her all these birds? A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese-a-laying and seven swans-a-swimming. On top of that you get eight maids milking, what I assume is eight cows. I hope you got her a goddamn farm! The only thing this guy did right was the five golden rings part, but he probably spent so much money on the birds and slaves he bought to milk, dance, leap and play drums that they're probably gilded. This girl's house must be really smelly with all the birds and cows, really crowded and really loud because of the drummers. What was this guy thinking? Most importantly, what is a lord and why does it leap?



Baby, It's Cold Outside

This song sounds pretty rape-ish. It's about this guy being like "Hey, I'm drunk, I wanna fuck you! Stay over because it's snowing." At one point she even asks "What's in this drink?" GURL you need to get out of the house! This guy is creepy! He's not taking no for an answer. Call you sister, who you mention in the song, and tell her to come pick your ass up. The situation you're in is NOT okay! It's like the beginning of an Law & Order: SVU episode. AGAIN, nothing to do with Christmas!






Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town


Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! But mainly your kids, because some creepy-asshole is watching them. He apparently knows when they're sleeping and when they're awake. If they've been bad or good. Get some blinds for your kinds room! Curtains, newspaper and tape... something! This guy is watching! 



Frosty The Snowman

I think the main question here is: "Would you let your kids play with a Snowman who JUST came to life by magical forces you know nothing about?" This sounds like witchcraft to me. You should probably call the preacher, and then maybe Ripley's Believe It Or Not> This shit could make you money. 

Although Frosty might be friendly, this shit is sad because the kids are going to have to watch him die eventually. I mean, he's made of snow. It's going to get above 30 degrees and he's gonna melt. Once he melts, burn that damn hat! There's no telling what kind of black magic it holds!




The Christmas Song

Roasting Chestnuts on an open fire seems like work. No thanks. Also, what about people who are older than 92? Are you pretty much saying "Fuck you!" with this song? What an asshole song! 




Last Christmas

Can we not even talk about this song please? It's the worst. It's one of those songs you begin grooving too, until you realize what it is and then you're like "FUCK!" You don't want to be "that bitch" dancing to this song. It's stupid. 




Hope you enjoyed that. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Iggy Azalea Rant


I've had it. I'm so over it. Someone has to say it. I feel like we have a huge race issue in this country as it is, and now it's spilling over into the entertainment industry in a monumental way. Today I'm talking about Iggy Azalea and all the shit that's thrown at her from "professionals" who end up looking like little two year old babies who don't want to share their toys! 

It pisses me off that Azalea is criticized so much for being a white-female rapper. It's kinda the same way Macklemore are criticized, but this time it seems to be a lot more nasty. It seems like black Hip-Hop artists have a problem with white people being successful in this genre of music. Granted, it is a genre black people created, but does that mean white people like Macklemore and Iggy Azalea can't be inspired by it and make a career path of their own? 



In many ways, I feel like this is a race argument. White people are not trying to steal your shit from you. Iggy Azalea is simply carving out a place for herself in this world, and because of some mis-guided sense of entitlement, black Rap and Hip-Hop artists have taken great offense to it. "HOW DARE SHE MAKE MONEY OFF A GENRE OUR PEOPLE CREATED!" Who the fuck are you to say who can and can't make money off of anything? 

The amount of racism spewing from some of these well-known Rap and Hip-Hop artist mouths about white rappers just astounds me! What they don't realize is they're just widening an already HUGE gap here in America. Why can't people of any color just do their own shit without you getting butt-hurt about it? 




Yes, I did research, and I understand the history of Rap music. So don't be trying to lecture me about it. I understand the history, the origin and the reasoning behind it, yet I still don't understand why white artists are being persecuted for simply being inspired by Rap and Hip-Hop culture and carving out a career for themselves. The only explanation I can even fathom is because of racism. 

Whether all these black Rap and Hip-Hop artists criticizing Iggy want to admit it or not, they're racist. They don't mind if white people buy their albums or go to their concerts, but don't you dare try to become a white rapper. What they're saying is white people don't have the right to be in the Hip-Hop music industry because of our skin color. Because if we become successful artists like them, we will somehow be taking something away from them instead of adding to it. 

I mean, that's what I'm getting form all this. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not wrong, that was a rhetorical question. That's what some higher-ups in the Rap community are indeed saying to artists like Macklemore and Azalea. It's a bunch of bullshit and it needs to stop.




It's like telling a black person they can't be a Country Music star because they're black! It's absolutely absurd. I'm not saying black people haven't been through a lot. GOD ABOVE knows they have. Slavery, prejudices, segregation, etc. It's been a rough fucking ride for black people in America. I'm ashamed of that history, everyone is... well, maybe not super racist motherfuckers, but those guys can all just die in a fiery car crash. 

The problem I'm having is, if Iggy Azalea were a black rapper, there wouldn't be a problem. If she were a black male rapper, she'd be even more successful (But that's the sexism train, and we really don't want me to hop aboard that!). She's not trying to take anything away from anyone. She's just trying to live out her dreams. She idolizes the same musicians and Rap artists that most of the people who are criticizing her idolized. Downing her because she couldn't possibly begin to understand a culture that's not her own is just cruel. 



There's no way Iggy Azalea could possibly understand the hate and prejudice that comes along with her skin color, like black people can. But isn't that what black Hip-Hop artists are doing? Aren't they judging her based on her skin color? Aren't they letting their prejudices taint her talent? They're pretty much saying "Oh you're white, you can't sit with us." It's wrong in anyway you look at it. Iggy Azalea doesn't fit this "perfect" mold of a Rap artist, because of that, she's being chastised for it. It's wrong. 




The point of this rant is, should we really be making the crevices between our races bigger? Shouldn't we be trying to build bridges instead of burning them? With all the hate and craziness in the world right now, shouldn't music be a place for people to escape and not judge someone on their skin color? I know artists are always going to have beef with one another. They're always going to be arguing about something, but should these arguments really be about skin color? Can't we all just do our own thing without getting on each other's dicks about it? 

Sorry if this offends anyone. Someone finally had to say it. This is my opinion. Either way, Iggy Azalea is taking it all in stride. The more haters she racks up the bigger her check is going to be. That Heavy Crown, BITCH SHE GOT IT NOW! 

A salute to the haters.


Malicious Monday - Krampus


YAY!!! Give a fuck, it's Christmas!!! This Monday, we're talking about the Christmas Devil himself, Krampus! Now, this post has been very daunting. There's so much folklore and history that goes into the Krampus legend, it's ridiculous. I'm not your history teacher, so fuck off! If I get a few things wrong, sorry not sorry. It's so much! So let's just get to gettin'.

Ummm... this don't look good for you.
Krampus is a horned, half-goat, half-demon creature with claws, dark hair and fangs. He wears chains and bells that he can lash out at people, has a really long tongue that would make Mick Jagger blush and carries a bundle of birch sticks so he can slap the shit out of naughty children and then drag them to the underworld for being little pricks (AWESOME)! The name comes from the German word krampen, meaning claw (AWESOME). The origin of Krampus is unknown. It's believed to come from Germany and had pre-Christian roots. According to an 1958 article in which historian Maurice Bruce discusses the legend:

"There seems to be little doubt as to his true identity for, in no other form is the full regalia of the Horned God of the Witches so well preserved. The birch—apart from its phallic significance—may have a connection with the initiation rites of certain witch-covens; rites which entailed binding and scourging as a form of mock-death. The chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to 'bind the Devil' but again they could be a remnant of pagan initiation rites."

"I gots some NOMS for later!"
But really, who the hell knows, and who the hell cares! He's here to bring justice to mean children! Be grateful! What is known is that Krampus was created as a counterpart to St. Nicholas, who brings sweets and toys to the good children. Krampus would usually come to collect the mean kids on December 6th and drag them to his lair.

You kids are so fucked. 
Eventually, adults wanted in on the fun! Some places in Europe began having a Krampus Run, where drunk people would dress up as demons and chase people through the streets! Whoever had this idea deserves a Nobel Prize or some shit, because that person is awesome! As time went on, the legend of Krampus has been suppressed by many cultures, afraid that it may be too frightening for children. You can't keep a good legend down too long though! Krampus is making a huge comeback! It's mainly for those who have a "bah, humbug" attitude towards Christmas.  

You have to ask "Where are the parents?"
I love the legend of Krampus. I remember hearing about him when I was in Second Grade. We were studying French history and Krampus came up. I thought he was scary as dick! I felt sorry for the mean French children. I mean, you can say what you want to about Krampus, but I bet them children back then were scared shitless of him! I bet they were all little angels! There's nothing wrong with scarring children into behaving! If anything, that's whats wrong with society today. Kids don't have consequences for their actions. I know if I ever have children, I'm totally telling them about Krampus ALL. YEAR. LONG. I don't care if they have a complex about it when they're older, hell, by that time they'll be adults and out of my hair. Fucking bye!

Don't fight it, you'll just get him pissed.
You know those bratty, annoying kids you see in the aisles of Target, or whatever. You know, those kids who are screaming and yelling at their parents to buy them something they don't need. Or, what about those kids who just scream at the top of their lungs in restaurants and run around, bumping into you? Have you ever wondered what happened to those terrible, annoying children? Well, Krampus ate them! YAY! Krampus came, put their asses in a bag, dragged them to his lair, boiled them and ate with with nice Chianti. 

That's right! Cry! You'll make your skin more salty!
I know that's terrible, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a bitch sometimes.

Villain Score: Mean-Kid Casserole! YUM! 



But seriously, I hope you're holiday season isn't sucking major donkey balls! I hope you have a fantastic week of Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"Mean kid ears taste like candy!"





Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Different Types of Gays





Here at the Foundation, we love our gay people. We support and love you! Me and my gay friends were talking about the different types of gay guys out there and we broke them up into different diva categories and it hit me in the giggle dick so hard that I had to blog about it. Let me just say, I'm not trying to be insulting... for once. This is just something funny me and my gay friends came up with, it's really not meant to be hurtful at all, and if your feelings are hurt by this... maybe you loosen up a little.



Britney Spears Gays



Britney Gays are usually the party gays. They're the kind to take shots and get on top of a table and dance. They're usually very feminine, and enjoy the color pink. When it comes to old school rock, these gays snarl and sashay away. You can find these gays dancing in a club with a fruity drink in their hand. These gays also love pop music and are usually the first to know the latest celebrity gossip. Don't be too sad if you loose track of a Britney Gay, these guys tend to be living-in-the-moment type. They flutter from one social group to the next, never afraid to party with new people. They only live once and they know it, but they'll come back around with lots of crazy stories to tell you. These gays tend to be in the age range of 20 - 30

You're a Britney Gay if:

- You've ever bleached your hair.
- You've bleached your pewbs to match your hair.
- You've taken your shirt off and stripped on the dance floor,
- You've pole danced to Gimme More
- Your iPod consists of pop, pop and more pop.
- You only sleep with tops.




Lady Gaga Gays





Gaga Gays are a fairly new breed of gays. This guys are very free spirited and quirky. They embrace the aspects and personality traits that make other's different. They're very kind and not quick to pass judgement on how you look. They take the Golden Rule of "treat others as you want to be treated" to heart.This gay group likes to stand out and be different. They have an avant-garde approach to style, music and art. They're very sensitive and emotional which makes them more in-sync with other's feelings. They usually think outside of the box and come up with new approaches to situations that you would never think of yourself. Once you make a friend of a Gaga Gay, you have a friend for life. They're very kind and will give you the shirt off their backs if you really need it. These gays are extremely loyal. But be warned, once you turn on them, their friends or their Mother Monster, this group can be a nightmare, just ask Kelly Osbourne. These gays tend to be in the age range of teens - late 20's

You're a Gaga Gay if:

-When you first meet someone, instead of shaking their hand you hug them
- You love Unicorns
- Wearing lipstick doesn't require an occasion.
- You've kissed the bartender twice.
- You have more than one Viva Glam Gaga lipstick stashed away.
- You've done arts and crafts and worn it.





Cher Gays


These gays are a riot! They love a good joke and are never afraid to "go there". Surprisingly, these breed of gays are considerably laid back. Insulting these guys won't be easy. They'll laugh it off or have a witty comeback. They never take their haters seriously. When it comes to partying, these gays love to socialize and DRINK! These gays are always a good time. They'll dance on the floor with you or sit with you in a corner and have you in stitches, it doesn't matter to them.These gays are also known as chameleons. They constantly re-invent themselves, adapting to the times. Cher Gays tend to shrug off the haters. They have a thick skin. Trying to argue with them is useless, mainly because they don't give a fuck. Don't push them too hard though or they'll make you look like a straight up fool. Cher Gays tend to be in the age group of late 20's and up.

You're a Cher Gay if:

-You watch Will & Grace religiously
-You know every Cher #1 hit from each decade.
-You don't take anyone who tries to insult you seriously.
-You identify with the Honey Badger
-ChadMichaels was your favorite drag queen on RuPaul's Drag Race
-You've gone out of your way to see every Cher film.
-You've slapped someone and said "Snap out of it!"





Madonna Gays



This breed of gay is one of the more common. They are closely related to the Britney Gays, but are a bit more subdued. These gays aren't afraid to be cady.They are usually very trendy and up to date with all the latest fashion and gossip. You can find these gays at a trendy bar and dance clubs. If you're looking for a reaction out of this group, don't expect much. These gays are not easily impressed and very seldom show emotion. They tend to take themselves too seriously at times, which can make them seem cold and distant, but it's not on purpose... most of the time. Much like Cher Gays, these gays are also known as chameleons. They constantly re-invent themselves, adapt to any situation. Madonna Gays also know how to get attention, especially if they feel like they're not getting they're deserved amount. They enjoy martinis and sweet alcoholic beverages. These gays are usually a class-act, but don't get on their bad side. This brood of divas can quickly turn on you and become vicious. In other words, the hold a MAJOR grudge. No one throws shade like a Madonna gay. These gays tend to be in the age group of late 20's and up.

You're a Madonna Gay if:

- You've ever dressed as her for Halloween.
- You've rallied several of your friends to turn against someone else.
- You enjoy martinis and finer liquor.
- You wear diamonds daily.
- You think Lady Gaga is a knock-off of your beloved Madonna.
- You say snarky comments and then sashay away.
- You don't let people see your emotions.
- You've ever converted to Kabbalah
- You've worn a Kabbalah bracelet even if you're not a part of the religion.
- You've watched Swept Away more than once.



Beyonce Gays


These laid back, come-as-you-are Gays are the most welcoming you'll find. Much like Lady Gaga Gays, these gays accept anyone for who they truly are. These gays tend to be non-confrontational. If an argument erupts, this group is usually not the one to start it or even be a part of it. That's not to say they're a pushover by any means. If need be, they'll step in and shut it down. Don't try to pull no fake shit over on this group. They can smell bullshit a mile away and will call you out on it. They don't have time for fake bitches, not when there's fun times to be had. These Gays tend to be adventurous as well. They're down for whatever. They can get a bit diva-ish at times, but if you explain your point of view, they'll usually understand, and are mortified if they hurt people's feelings unintentionally. These guys are great at seeing all aspects of an issue. Beyonce Gays are also known as hardworking. They have their hands in all kinds of pies, whether it be their social life or work. They're so multifaceted in almost all aspects of life. These Gays don't stop until they get what they need done, then it's time to party. Beyonce Gays tend to be in their teens - to late 30's.

You're a Beyonce Gay if:

-You know the "Single Ladies" dance by heart.
-You try to smile, even if you feel like hell. 
-You're good at ending arguments in a peaceful way.
-When a fight breaks out, you tend to stand back.
-You don't jump to conclusions, but wait for all information to come out.
-You walk like this because you can back it up. 




Lana Del Rey Gay




Lana Gays (Or, Lana Del Gays) are the newest form of gay specie. They're a hybrid of hipster and gay molded into one. Lana Gays can be a trifle temperamental, especially if you try to lecture them on music. They tend to wear cut off jeans, flannel, hats, fake glasses, Doc Martins and tank tops. These gays are very 90's chic. They know all the great 'underground' bands and are very in-the-know about the next big thing in music. You can find a Lana Gay at a dive bar, drinking some sort of beer and smoking Parliaments or vapor cigarettes. Trying to tell these gays about anything is pointless, they know it all. They're very connected to whats going on in most aspects of society due to their technological know-how.They read blogs and watch vlogs. Starting a conversation with them can be tricky, these gays tend to be quiet and keep to themselves. Music isn't just something you listen to with these gays, no it's an art, a form of life itself.These gays tend to be in the age group of teens - mid 20's.

You're a Lana Del Gay if:

- You have a Nirvana T-shirt.
- You found out who Leonard Cohen is after Lana Del Rey covered Chelsea Hotel No 2
- You smoke Parliaments
- You Googled  what "Bel Air" was about.
- You have a blog or vlog
- You've worn heart-shaped sunglasses while drinking Diet Mountain Dew.
- Your private parts taste like Pepsi Cola
- You do cocaine




Liza Minnelli Gay


Whoa! Everyone better watch out! If a Liza gay comes walking by you better treat them with respect, and by all means don't try to take their spotlight. These gays are very witty and charming. They enjoy the finer things in life. Most Liza gays have money, or they simply live beyond their means, because hey, it costs major bank to look that good. These gays do know how to throw a lavish and crazy party, I'm talking Great Gatsby parties! These gays are entertaining as fuck! They demand attention, and you'll want to give it to them. Liza gays also tend to be emotional. With a flip of a switch, these gays can go from happiest person on earth to making your life a living hell. They are very vengeful, and will think nothing of throwing your phone in the punch bowl if you piss them off. While these gays are very social and approachable, they can also be crazy... I mean that in a good way and a bad way. These gays also tend to enjoy show tunes and band-stand type of music. They think new music is for the birds. Liza Gays tend to be in the age range of mid 30's and up.

You're a Liza Gay if:

-You've had Botox
-You've had cosmetic plastic surgery
-You're parties are all anyone talks about.
-You have a cigarette holder and make frequent use of it.
-You own or have owned a jar of Creme De La Mer.
-You throw an Oscar Party every year.
-You watch the Tony's every year.
-You go to at least 5 -10 Broadway shows every year.
-You own something with sequins on it that you wear on special occasions.




Barbra Streisand Gay


A Babs Gay is the most intellectual gay of them all. They're very knowledgeable about politics and other happenings around the globe. If you want opinions, a Barbra Gay has them, strong ones. Barbra Gays are also the perfect people to get advice from. They've seen a lot of things and can provide guidance for whatever problem is plaguing you. You can find Barbra gays at a sophisticated club sipping brandy or wine. These gays tend to steer clear from wild parties and clubs, but enjoy the company of a few people (mainly close friends) to have over for a dinner or a glass of chardonnay.  These introverted gays can be tricky to get to know. They tend to keep their life very private, but once you become a friend, you're a friend for life. They will move Heaven and Earth for you. Barbra Gays tend to be in the age range of late 30's and up. 

You're a Barbra Gay if:

-You'd rather stay at home with a book and a bottle of wine than go to a party.
-You've walked down a flight of stairs singing "Hello Dolly!" multiple times. 
-The shoes you're wearing costs over $400.
-You've seen "Guilt Trip" more than once. 
-You own a Barbra Streisand Barbie(s).
-You haven't been to a real bar in at least a year. 
-You watch CNN daily.
-You're favorite Bee Gee's song is "Guilty" featuring Barbra.
-You hate violent, action films. 
-You've convinced someone to sing Bryan Adam's part of "I Finally Found Someone" so you could be Barbra at karaoke. 




Diana Ross Gays



These gays are THE BOSS. They don't take shit from no one! Don't fuck with them. If you do find yourself on the opposing end of a Diana Ross Gay, just point your heels to Jesus and pray for morning. These gays are relentless in everything they do. When you go party with a Diana Ross gay, you better believe it's going to be a dazzling experience. These Gays know how to get into any party, club and VIP section. They are true winners in life. The downside is they tend to be bossy. Their competitive nature can get the best of them at times, but don't let that sway you. These Bosses will do anything in their power to help a true friend have an amazing time, just don't expect to be the leader of the pack, that's their job. Diana Ross Gays tend to be in the age group of 30's and up. 

You're a Diana Ross Gay or BOSS if:

-You're the one planning the night out with your friends
-If you're not the one planning the night out, you soon become the one.
-You tend to get your way.
-You've been called a "bossy bitch" and you took it as a compliment.
-You love disco music.
-When you start a project you get it done.
-You have numerous awards and trophies.
-You tend to find yourself leading your group of friends from place to place.
-You always come out on top.



****************

There ya go! I really hope no one took offense to that. Obviously it's just a fun thing me and my friends thought up. I hope you got a laugh or two out of it, and I hope you're having a very un-stressful holiday season.

Sorry not sorry for Party Rockin'

PEACE!


PS: If you took offense to this, you're probably a Madonna Gay, just sayin'.







Monday, December 15, 2014

Malicious Monday - The Snow Queen


The Snow Queen is a original fairy-tale written by Hans Christian Andersen and published in 1844. The story is about a little girl traveling a great distance to rescue her friend Kai from the grips of the evil Snow Queen. The story mainly focuses on how love will always conquer evil no matter what the obstacle. Whatever.... we're not here to talk about that mushy stuff, we're here to talk about the main bitch, The Snow Queen.

The original illustration from Andersen's book.
When I was younger, I remember an animated movie coming on called The Snow Queen. It was an old Russian cartoon film from 1957, it was dubbed in English and released here in 1959. I don't know how I stumbled upon it at such a young age, or who was airing it, but it came on and my grandfather taped it for me. I loved it! I watched it all the time.  I remember taking it to my kindergarten class for show and tell. Everyone loved it and wanted it, but it wasn't available on VHS at the time that I knew of. My grandfather simply taped it for me.

From the 1957 animated film.
Needless to say, I've been waiting for Disney or Dreamworks, any animation studio to give The Snow Queen a new life. There were some attempts, but none of them were very good. The story is so intricate, and the Snow Queen herself is such an  awesome villain, I was surprised no one ever jumped on it. Nothing happened until 2013 when Disney released Frozen. Needless to say, after hearing about the plot of the film, I was disappointed. Though Frozen obviously takes inspiration from The Snow Queen, it isn't Andersen's Snow Queen. Therefore it failed me. This is probably the main reason I still haven't seen Frozen.

"Who the fuck is this Elsa bitch?"
The ABC show Once Upon a Time didn't fail me though. They did the Frozen story arch on the first half of the 4th season, and they introduced The Snow Queen into their story which filled me with glee! On Once, The Snow Queen is Elsa and Anna's aunt named Ingrid. Elsa and Anna's mother trapped Ingrid in a magical urn after she accidentally killed their other sister with her ice/snow powers. Anna and Elsa's mother had the rock trolls cast a spell over the entire kingdom so everyone would forget both Ingrid and the sister she killed.

Always pick a profession related to your magical power.
It isn't until Elsa opens the urn that she finds Ingrid. Ingrid's only wish as the she, Elsa and Emma can be sisters, the way it was when she had two sisters. Ingrid puts up an ice wall around Storybrook to trap Elsa and Emma in. She believes that normal humans cannot understand her, Elsa and Emma because they fear them and their powers. She then casts the spell of shattered sight on all the other citizens of the town. This spell is a huge throwback to Andersen's original story. In the 1844 tale, there's an evil mirror that is shattered into millions of pieces and scattered all around the globe. When a piece of this evil mirror gets into the eyes of someone, that person can only see the ugly, negative side of everyone and everything. This is exactly what Ingrid does in Once. She has mirror shards fall on the citizens so they can only see the bad in each other. Her ultimate plan is that they all kill each other, however it doesn't work out like that. Ingrid eventually realizes what she's doing is wrong, so she destroys herself to save the town.

"My eyes are up here."
The fabulous Elizabeth Mitchell brings her icy, blondness to the role of The Snow Queen. They couldn't have gotten anyone better! She was absolutely spot on. Mitchell plays Ingrid, the Snow Queen, disguised as an ice cream parlor owner (Appropriate) who makes the best rocky-road in town. Well done to the people at Once Upon a Time for giving The Snow Queen a much deserved story line while still staying true to the original fairy-tale.

Gurl.. that mirror is broken.
In the original story, it's so hard to relate with the Snow Queen. She's never given a rhyme or reason to why she's so evil. All that's said is that her heart is made of ice. Nothing else. Once Upon a Time put their spin on things and made it absolutely beautiful. In this version, the Snow Queen (AKA Ingrid) is a broken human being. She's is ostracized because she's different. Her powers are greatly feared, though she's never been violent. They only people who accept her are her two sisters. When she accidentally kills one of her sisters, the other is so overwhelmed with grief she traps Ingrid in a magical urn, trapping her there for years.

Elizabeth Mitchell makes a sexy, sexy Snow Queen.
Ingrid sees this as a betrayal. The one person who once understood and loved her, trapped her as if she were a wild animal, all because of a terrible accident. Ingrid grows to distrust every normal human being, therefore she makes a bond with Emma and Elsa. Don't be too quick to judge the Snow Queen. Her evil comes from a place of loneliness and need to feel love, not from a vindictive place. Her actions are harmful and wicked, but her motives are pure. She just wants a family that will accept her. Don't we all want that? What would you do if you didn't have that? What lengths would you go to trade the icy pain of loneliness for the warmth of love and acceptance?

Villain Score: ROCKY ROAD