NEW YEAR'S EVE 2014 SURVIVAL TIPS
- Make a ton of bad decisions. It's okay, at midnight all the bad things you've done will be gone! It's a new start! So finish fucking that person or snorting that line by 11:55 PM just to be on the safe side.
- Don't drink the spiked punch directly out of the punch bowl. Trust me, I've done this, it's not a cute look.
- Just don't drink the spiked punch. Especially if you're at a NYE party with a bunch of people you don't know. That's how you end up on Dateline or one of those other real-life crime shows that Robert Stack narrates.
- Girls, DON'T WEAR RED LIPSTICK! This is the ONE time of year I tell the ladies not to wear red lipstick. Most likely you'll be kissing a guy/girl/he-she at midnight. You don't want that person to look like Sissy Spacek at the end of Carrie.
- Don't try to make a deal with satan. It's not worth it. You'll lose in the end and suffer eternal damnation. It's just a dumbest idea ever.
- Don't watch that New Years Eve movie! It's HORRIBLE!
- Don't spend too much time trying to figure out where to go on New Year's Eve. It doesn't fucking matter. The new year is going to come whether you like it or not. Kinda like another shitty/amazing SyFy TV movie. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not.
- It's okay if you want to spend New Year's Eve alone with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and reflections of the past year. Don't let society make you think you have to kiss someone or be at some amazing party.
- Don't drink and drive. This one isn't meant to be humorous or sarcastic, it's just common sense! We live in a world of Lyft's and Uber's. Why the fuck risk hurting someone else by being a complete dumbass?
There are some NYE Survival tips. You're welcome! Be safe, and remember to spay and neuter your pets.
LOVE YA! MEAN IT!
Fucking bye!
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