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| Yes, this is Thelma Ritter in Pillow Talk. You're welcome! |
Happy Thursday, bitches! Today we're talking about something EVERYONE should know and understand. How to ride a fucking elevator properly! I've never noticed this until I worked in an office building, where I had to ride the elevator with a bunch of inconsiderate pricks with their heads up their own asses! Let's get to it!
Here are some simple steps on how not to piss me off when riding an elevator with me:
1) Be Courteous
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| I mean... this isn't proper elevator behavior, but I'm not mad about it. |
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS let people off the elevator before you get on it! ALWAYS! I can't stress this enough! I know you're in a motherfucking hurry, but it doesn't matter! Also, you shouldn't crowd the door, give people room to get off the elevator before you get on. It's not that hard.
2) Pay Attention
I know you're super important and have a lot of friends or you're taking a 15 second elevator ride and can't stand not being entertained for that long, but please pay attention! Get off your damn phone! Like most people should do (See #1 above), I wait for people to get off the elevator before I get on. I step back when the elevator stops at my floor and wait a few seconds to see if anyone is getting off before I step on.
It annoys me greatly when I'm waiting for someone to get off the elevator, and they don't, so I think it's just stopping for me. As I'm getting on they look up from their smartphone and are all like "Oh!" and almost run me over getting off the elevator. It makes me feel rude and makes me want to yell obscenities at that person. PAY ATTENTION! This happens almost every week. I start to get on the elevator after waiting an extended period of time and then I hear the dreaded "Oh!" and they start marching off the elevator, usually ramming me in the process because they weren't paying attention in the first place.
If the elevator stops at your floor and it's already packed, don't try to squeeze in. People don't want you in their face. Even if there's only like 7 people on it, which is still kinda crowded, don't insist on taking that one, tiny space left between the people already on the elevator. We don't like you. You are invading my personal space and making other people invade my personal space because they have to get up all on my dick trying to make room for your ass! Go to hell, asshole! Wait for the next one!
Those are really the only major issues I have with people riding an elevator with me. I don't care if you sing, dance, hell you can even play Janga! I don't give a dick! Just don't do those three things mentioned above and we'll be fine!
3) Crowding
If the elevator stops at your floor and it's already packed, don't try to squeeze in. People don't want you in their face. Even if there's only like 7 people on it, which is still kinda crowded, don't insist on taking that one, tiny space left between the people already on the elevator. We don't like you. You are invading my personal space and making other people invade my personal space because they have to get up all on my dick trying to make room for your ass! Go to hell, asshole! Wait for the next one!
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Those are really the only major issues I have with people riding an elevator with me. I don't care if you sing, dance, hell you can even play Janga! I don't give a dick! Just don't do those three things mentioned above and we'll be fine!
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