Malicious Monday: Woodland Christmas Critters

It's almost time when the time is here,

The time that's only once a year.

We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.

A Woodland Critter Christmas!

Hide yo kids! Hide yo Strawberry Shortcake and hide Kurt Russel cause they rappin' everyone out here! 

Yaaaas! It's another Malicious Monday! Today we're tackling the Woodland Critters from "South Park"! The Woodland Critters first appeared in episode "Woodland Critter Christmas" which aired on December 15, 2004. They became a fan favorite and later appeared in the Imagination Land story-arc in season 11. I had a lot of apprehensions doing this post, mainly because people get so fucking offended, but get over it! This is my blog! I write what I want!

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Woodland Critter Christmas is narrated as an old fashioned Christmas story. It tells the tale of Stan who runs into a group of talking woodland creatures. There's Rabbity the Rabbit , Skunky the Skunk, Beavery the Beaver, Beary the Bear, Raccoony the Raccoon, Mousey the Mouse, Squirrely the Squirrel, Deery the Deer, Woodpeckery the Woodpecker, Porcupiney the Porcupine, Foxy the Fox and Chickadee-y the Chickadee.

"Let's eat his flesh! Yay!"

The critters enlist Stan's help to build a manger so their savior could be born. Later, the critters announce to Stan that Porcupiney is pregnant with their savior, but the evil mountain lion will surely eat her and her unborn child. They manipulate Stan into killing the vicious mountain lion, leaving the lion's three adorable cubs to fend for themselves. When Stan returns, the critters reveal that their lord and savior is actually Satan and Porcupiney is pregnant with the anti-Christ. I'm not going to ruin the rest, go watch it! I'm sure it will be on Comedy Central soon, they always show it this time of year.

"Awwwww, But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist."

It's revealed that the Christmas Critters were created by Eric Cartman. for a Christmas story he had to write for school. This is not surprising considering Cartman himself is a deviant with a god complex. I love this episode so much! It goes out of it's way to offend people! I know a lot of people who can't stand this episode, and I think that was the point. It was meant to offend people, but at the same time, it isn't meant to be taken seriously. I think the creators of South Park knew that people would go absolutely ape-shit when they saw this episode and it made them giggle. 

Now, to people who are offended by the Christmas Critters, this message is for you. You have to have a sense of humor in order to enjoy the Christmas Critters. You can't take it seriously. It's absolutely ridiculous! They literally say "Hail Satan!". I mean... you're going take that seriously?!?!? It's a joke! Get over yourself! It was meant to be offensive! What's more offensive than saying "Hail Satan!"? They also use this episode to kinda joke about abortion, which again, isn't meant to be taken seriously. Get over it. 

"This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!"

The Woodland Christmas Critters look like sweet, cutsie animals Snow White would talk to. They're fucking adorable. They talk and act like children, but it actually turns out they're evil and have satanic powers. They love blood orgies and rape, as well as torturing. They go about it in such an innocent way, the way a kid would enjoy a lollipop or swig set. It's just so grotesque and out-of-control you have to take it as a joke.

"Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did the trick!"

In the Imaginationland story arc, the critters show up again. This time they rape and kill Kurt Russel and decide to rape Strawberry Shortcake and let her die a slow death. Yeah. They're so evil they even disturb the likes of Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger. They also manage to gangrape Popeye and make a Tron soldier's head explode. 

So on this Malicious Monday, I salute the Woodland Christmas Critters. May they continue to offend and traumatize future generations. 

Villain Score: "YAY!!! BLOOD ORGY!!!" 

PS: The Dustination Foundation does not promote this sort of behavior, we do however find it extremely hilarious when animated woodland creatures do this shit just for the sake of offending people. You're welcome. Have a lovely December. 

Pretty much.

For more information on "South Park," click here.