An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

I would really like to take a moment and holla at you. I know these days I tend to get wrapped up in my other divas, such as Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Gwen Stefani, Ellie Goulding, Izzy Azalea, and so many others. There's so many female musicians out there for me to listen to and enjoy that I occasionally forget about you. When I say I forget about you, I don't mean you completely leave my mind, let me explain:

She was super cute, even then!

I remember first seeing you that summer of 2002 on the first season of American Idol. You sang Etta James' "At Last" and then I think you sang Madonna's "Express Yourself," but it's been hot minute... as in 12 years, so forgive me if I'm a little shaky on the details. What I do remember is how beautiful I thought you were (are). When you sang, it was powerful. You demanded everyone's attention and we gladly gave it to you.

A moment like that!

Like most kids my age at the time, I was obsessed with American Idol. I watched it every time it was one. It was a phenomenon in the early 2000's. I was "Team Kelly" from the get go. I also loved Tamyra Gray, her "A House is Not a Home" has me sweating a little bit for you. In the end, you were crowned the first American Idol. I was one of the 15 million people who called in to vote for you that night. When you won, I felt I had a little something to do with it.

Remember the low light/high light mix phase? Yeah, me too.

I remember not long after you won American Idol, you released your first album, Thankful. I LOVED this album. It was in my portable CD player for weeks and weeks. I remember thinking how versatile you were. You could belt out a heart-wrenching song one minute and then have a sassy, sexy attitude the next, all while remaining graceful and keeping that girl-next-door charm. Very few artists can do that.

Since U Been Gone.. I WRECKED ALL YO SHIT!!!

Your next album was absolutely amazing. You proved everyone who said you were a "flash in the pan" dead wrong! Breakaway was where you really proved you had stay power and you weren't going anywhere. It was a powerhouse album! This was the album where you didn't need the crutch of American Idol to be a superstar. You could stand on your own two feet! "Since U Been Gone," "Behind These Hazel Eyes," "Because of You," "Walk Away"... I mean, every song on this album was fantastic! I loved "Addicted." "Hear Me" and "You Found Me" too. You, along with Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani, were my life!

Whatever is happening here... I LOVE IT.

My December, your next album, was my absolute favorite. I think it's the best work you've ever done. This album was released during a dark time for me, and hearing these songs really helped. I felt like I wasn't alone in the pain I was feeling. Further more, I remember buying this album on my birthday when it went up for pre-sale on iTunes. This was a very dark album, and I loved it. There was lots of controversy around this album, with your producer wanting to scrap it, but I'm so glad it was released. "Never Again," "Don't Waste Your Time," "Judas," "Sober," "Irvine" and my favorite "Maybe" were huge standouts on this album for me. This will always be one of my favorite albums, and the face that you wrote or helped write most songs on the album makes it even more special. Your next two albums didn't effect me as much as My December, but I loved them! All I Ever Wanted and Stronger were fantastic! I loved both of them! I can't wait for Piece by Piece to be released!

Yummm!

I guess I'm writing you this open letter to say "Thank You." I know I get wrapped up in other crazier artists and bands, but I know you'll always be there waiting for me. If I'm having a down day I can listed to "Stronger." If I'm having a sassy day I can listed to "Walk Away" or "Since You've Been Gone." Hearing one of your songs is like getting a visit from an old friend. In many ways, I grew up with you. I feel like you've come such a long way as a woman and artist. You're a beautiful, talented and down-to-earth person. Those kinds of people are hard to come by. You might have won American Idol, but in return, the world won you. We discovered you and we love you. People say you were "lucky" for winning that competition, no, we were the lucky ones.


Your's always,

-Dustin

Kelly is happily married with...

... an adorable baby girl! Say hey to River Rose! HEEEEY!

PS: I know this was way TOO REAL and I'm sorry! Let's get lunch sometime, I promise I'm not this mopey and boring in real life, you can ask my other personalities.

An Open Letter to Eminem

It's come to my attention that many of you like it when I rant. Here at the Foundation, we like to give the people what they want. I decided to pin open letters to people I don't like. Now, anyone who gets easily offended or is a member of the politically correct police can get their dick out of my face. This is stream of consciousness writing where I'm pretty much word vomiting (pardon the expression.) as I go. This is my opinion and I'm allowed to have a fucking opinion, and if you don't like it, don't read it. I'm all up for having a discussion about it, I'm not completely closed minded, but don't expect to change my mind. Now, let's rip Eminem apart!

*******

Dear Eminem,

My first question would be why are you so boring? I don't understand how you could have sooooooo much money and so many fans and still be an absolute jackass-yawn. Almost every interview or public appearance I see you at, you're acting like you're too good to talk to anyone and you're just being a flat out snooze. You knew when you became famous, you'd actually have to interact with people right? I mean, that's kind of the package deal.

You're also super angry. Why? Why are you so upset and so full of angst? What's the motherfucking problem? Do you think it makes you more interesting? It doesn't. I mean, don't get me wrong, that is the most interesting thing about you, if we took your angry, constipated look away, you'd have nothing. You'd look like a confused moron.

You're wearing a hoodie. You're not badass for wearing a hoodie.

I know you had a rough life growing up, being raised by a single mother and bullied... but guess what? A LOT of people go through that and don't make millions later and are still not as angry and pissy as you. I'm not saying all the situations are the same or that people should re-act the same way to their situations, but come on. You've rode that negative horse a really long time. That horse it dead. You're riding a dead horse.

I'll admit that you are a talented rapper. I've enjoyed a few of your songs, however, we need to talk about your attitude towards women. You have some fucking issues. Okay, so you've had bad relationships with women. Perhaps you should look at yourself as well as looking at the woman. I also have a BRILLIANT IDEA! How about you not write songs about killing women? I know it's your shtick, but just go with me on this one. I promise, you don't have to write about killing your girlfriend in order to be groundbreaking.

As I've gotten older and wiser to the world, it's come to my attention that people are dumber than I originally thought. Some of the kids who listen to your rancid shit about the violence you inflict on women will think "Hey! Eminem wrote about this and now he has millions of dollars and is super famous! That means it's okay for me to do it!" and boom, we have a bunch of assholes getting carted off the jail for hitting their significant other. I know theirs going to be extreme fans with every music star, I'm sure their are some Jason Aldean fans who tailgate with a 24 pack of Bud Light every weekend on a dirt road.

I know you say your lyrics aren't meant to be taken literally, and you're just kidding around when you talk about killing women and belittling gay people, but guess what!? Thousands of gays each year are beat up or bullied because of the way they were born. Millions of girls in this country have been assaulted by men. It's not fucking funny. 

While other people have applauded you for writing and performing songs about stuffing your dead wife in a truck while your little child watches, I find it horrendous. I don't know why, I guess I'm just weird like that. I know writing about abusing women/killing them has made you a lot of money for some reason, but it's okay to stop now. You've made enough off that topic.

I know you're being controversial, but to me it's always seemed a little creepy. I've always seen you as someone who's trying too hard to raise controversy. You don't have the grace or finesse that other groundbreaking artists have had before you. And raping about beating up women/ killing women? Is that something you really want to break the mold on? I see it as "Hey! I don't really want all this attention, though I'm a famous rapper and don't understand how it works, but I really do want the attention, I'm just saying I don't because I want to look cool and street!"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You sound like a fucking dipshit! For some reason or another, you'll always be seen as this icon, which is sad because there are so many other people deserving of that title than you. And whats super sad is, you don't even seem to be grateful for it. You just suck so bad I can't even handle it. I want to hit you, I literally want to haul off and smack you across your constipated-looking mug because you are so dumb. FOR REAL.

I hope your able to fix your constipation one day, fortunately, there's Pepto for that. As for your pissy attitude, that's something their is no cure for. 

GOOD LUUUUUCK!

Fucking Bye!