Fab Five Friday: Unreleased Lana Del Rey Songs

I'm starting a series of new posts! YAY! They're called "Fab Five." It's pretty much a category, whether it be music, beauty, art, movies, etc and I list my top five of that category.... does that make sense? I'm doing it anyway. Hope you like it!

Like any artist, Lana Del Rey recorded some songs that never ended up on an album. Over time, these songs have been leaked and put on to various sites like YouTube and Grooveshark.  The likelihood of these songs ever appearing on a Lana album are very slim. To date, "Black Beauty" is the only leaked song I know of to see the light of day. It's sad because these songs are so amazing. I would love to legally purchase these. I know there's a way to get them, but I don't know how to do that YouTube thing or illegally download shit off the interwebs. I barely can keep up with how to work my damn iTunes.So here are my favorite unreleased Lana songs!

Queen of Disaster

This song has such an old-fashioned 60's vibe. I can totally see The Supremes of The Ronettes singing this on American Bandstand! Lana has this impeccable ability to mix retro sound with modern lyrics, and the formula of the song is absolutely her to a tee. It's a playful little diddy about falling in love with "the bad boy." This theme echos through a lot of Lana songs ("Blue Jeans," "Million Dollar Man," "Ultraviolence," etc.). This particular one is extremely upbeat and chipper compared to many of her other songs about a doomed love affair. 

Prom Song (Gone Wrong)

Lana sings about rebellious youth, young love and running away from her boring life with her lover who likes to fuck her up against the wall. This song would have been perfect on Born to Die, I'll never understand why it didn't make the cut. We actually get to hear the "Gangsta Nancy Sinatra" come out of Lana as she mixes her classic vocals with rap. We also have the typical references to pop culture icons and bands. It's pretty fucking fantastic.

                

Hollywood

Lana talks about her longing for fame and the finer things in life.The song would have been amazing on Born to Die. It carries on her theme of material wealth and how it's an absolute necessity to her. In typical Lana style, she makes several references to great musicians of the past such as Jim Morrison when she sings "I dance like Morrison", it somewhat echos many of her other songs such as "Gods and Monsters." It's almost a love song to her dreams of fame and glamour. You can hear her longing to have that icon status, and we listeners know she'll never stop until she has it.

Serial Killer

HOLY HELL! This song is tits in the mouth! This needed to be on Ultraviolence so badly! Unfortunately it wasn't, and it's such a shame. Serial Killer is one of those songs that make you scratch your head, wondering why the hell it's never been released. In this hidden gem, Lana sings about being a slutty party girl. She compares her various lovers as victims. She seduces them, makes them fall in love with her, fucks them and then walks away like the mother fucking boss she is! Though at the beginning of the song she states her wish to find her "one true love," you can tell by the rest of her lyrics, it's an act. She wants to be young, wild and promiscuous. She don't give a shit.

JFK

This song is so beautiful. It has this dreamy sound that takes you to another time. In typical Lana fashion, she mixes famous icons in with modern lyrics. She compares the man she loves to several things, mainly former President John F. Kennedy or JFK. Despite this song swelling with love and romance, it also has a sad undertone. It's as if she's singing of a time that once was and will never be again, much like John F. Kennedy's reign as President and the youth and vitality it brought to America. Things like that can never be re-captured. In a way I feel like "JFK" is paying homage to this time where youth and young love were celebrated and not scorned.

Honorable mentions: "Riding in Cars with Boys,""Damn You" and "Hundred Dollar Bill"

An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

I would really like to take a moment and holla at you. I know these days I tend to get wrapped up in my other divas, such as Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Gwen Stefani, Ellie Goulding, Izzy Azalea, and so many others. There's so many female musicians out there for me to listen to and enjoy that I occasionally forget about you. When I say I forget about you, I don't mean you completely leave my mind, let me explain:

She was super cute, even then!

I remember first seeing you that summer of 2002 on the first season of American Idol. You sang Etta James' "At Last" and then I think you sang Madonna's "Express Yourself," but it's been hot minute... as in 12 years, so forgive me if I'm a little shaky on the details. What I do remember is how beautiful I thought you were (are). When you sang, it was powerful. You demanded everyone's attention and we gladly gave it to you.

A moment like that!

Like most kids my age at the time, I was obsessed with American Idol. I watched it every time it was one. It was a phenomenon in the early 2000's. I was "Team Kelly" from the get go. I also loved Tamyra Gray, her "A House is Not a Home" has me sweating a little bit for you. In the end, you were crowned the first American Idol. I was one of the 15 million people who called in to vote for you that night. When you won, I felt I had a little something to do with it.

Remember the low light/high light mix phase? Yeah, me too.

I remember not long after you won American Idol, you released your first album, Thankful. I LOVED this album. It was in my portable CD player for weeks and weeks. I remember thinking how versatile you were. You could belt out a heart-wrenching song one minute and then have a sassy, sexy attitude the next, all while remaining graceful and keeping that girl-next-door charm. Very few artists can do that.

Since U Been Gone.. I WRECKED ALL YO SHIT!!!

Your next album was absolutely amazing. You proved everyone who said you were a "flash in the pan" dead wrong! Breakaway was where you really proved you had stay power and you weren't going anywhere. It was a powerhouse album! This was the album where you didn't need the crutch of American Idol to be a superstar. You could stand on your own two feet! "Since U Been Gone," "Behind These Hazel Eyes," "Because of You," "Walk Away"... I mean, every song on this album was fantastic! I loved "Addicted." "Hear Me" and "You Found Me" too. You, along with Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani, were my life!

Whatever is happening here... I LOVE IT.

My December, your next album, was my absolute favorite. I think it's the best work you've ever done. This album was released during a dark time for me, and hearing these songs really helped. I felt like I wasn't alone in the pain I was feeling. Further more, I remember buying this album on my birthday when it went up for pre-sale on iTunes. This was a very dark album, and I loved it. There was lots of controversy around this album, with your producer wanting to scrap it, but I'm so glad it was released. "Never Again," "Don't Waste Your Time," "Judas," "Sober," "Irvine" and my favorite "Maybe" were huge standouts on this album for me. This will always be one of my favorite albums, and the face that you wrote or helped write most songs on the album makes it even more special. Your next two albums didn't effect me as much as My December, but I loved them! All I Ever Wanted and Stronger were fantastic! I loved both of them! I can't wait for Piece by Piece to be released!

Yummm!

I guess I'm writing you this open letter to say "Thank You." I know I get wrapped up in other crazier artists and bands, but I know you'll always be there waiting for me. If I'm having a down day I can listed to "Stronger." If I'm having a sassy day I can listed to "Walk Away" or "Since You've Been Gone." Hearing one of your songs is like getting a visit from an old friend. In many ways, I grew up with you. I feel like you've come such a long way as a woman and artist. You're a beautiful, talented and down-to-earth person. Those kinds of people are hard to come by. You might have won American Idol, but in return, the world won you. We discovered you and we love you. People say you were "lucky" for winning that competition, no, we were the lucky ones.


Your's always,

-Dustin

Kelly is happily married with...

... an adorable baby girl! Say hey to River Rose! HEEEEY!

PS: I know this was way TOO REAL and I'm sorry! Let's get lunch sometime, I promise I'm not this mopey and boring in real life, you can ask my other personalities.

My Interpretations of Popular Christmas Songs

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Hope all of you are having a much less hectic Holiday Season than I am!

I was just thinking the other day how much a dislike Christmas songs. It's not that I really hate them, I kinda go both ways. I have to be in the mood for them. I just kinda find them boring and monotonous. They're the same damn songs sung over and over and over again, just with different people singing it. I don't care how many people sing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" none of them are going to be better than Judy Garland's ORIGINAL version in Meet Me in St. Louis. That's right, that popular Christmas song was written for Judy and no one else. DEAL WITH IT.

I got off subject a little bit, my point is, hearing these songs over and over again every year had me thinking "I should talk about MY interpretations/random thoughts on these songs!" You're welcome. So here we go!

Sleigh Ride

God I hate this song. It's so annoying! Here's the first verse:

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,

Ring ting tingling too

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling

And friends are calling "yoo hoo",

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

Doesn't that just sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking annoying!?!? And if I had friends who called "yoo hoo" at me, they would no longer be my friends, because that's fucking lame. Also, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas. I mean there is a lyric that talks about a Birthday Party, which could be a reference to Jesus's Birthday, which is Christmas, but that's a stretch and you know it. So yeah, this song sucks horse nuts.

Jingle Bells

Is there anyone in the universe who doesn't know this song? I mean, it's so annoying. I hate it. I only like it when it's about Batman. You know, "Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!" but even that is stretching my like for this song. Again, this is a popular Christmas song, that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. There is no mention of Christmas or Christmas related things. I mean, yeah there's snow and bells, but there's snow and bells in Alaska all year round and they don't celebrate Christmas every day.

Also the song has a few verses that are often left out of the original song. Like this one:

A day or two ago,

The story I must tell

I went out on the snow,

And on my back I fell;

A gent was riding by

In a one-horse open sleigh,

He laughed as there I sprawling lie,

But quickly drove away.

That's horrible! Dude! That guy could be really hurt and he's just not going to help him? That's bullshit! Then there's this verse:

Now the ground is white

Go it while you're young,

Take the girls tonight

and sing this sleighing song;

Just get a bobtailed?bay

Two forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack! you'll take the lead.

I don't know about you, but this sounds pretty promisculous and cocaine related to me! It sounds like these poor girls is gonna get gang banged! I don't like it. This song can go suck a dildo.

12 Days of Christmas

What the fuck? Can this guy just stop!?!?! Why is he getting her all these birds? A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese-a-laying and seven swans-a-swimming. On top of that you get eight maids milking, what I assume is eight cows. I hope you got her a goddamn farm! The only thing this guy did right was the five golden rings part, but he probably spent so much money on the birds and slaves he bought to milk, dance, leap and play drums that they're probably gilded. This girl's house must be really smelly with all the birds and cows, really crowded and really loud because of the drummers. What was this guy thinking? Most importantly, what is a lord and why does it leap?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This song sounds pretty rape-ish. It's about this guy being like "Hey, I'm drunk, I wanna fuck you! Stay over because it's snowing." At one point she even asks "What's in this drink?" GURL you need to get out of the house! This guy is creepy! He's not taking no for an answer. Call you sister, who you mention in the song, and tell her to come pick your ass up. The situation you're in is NOT okay! It's like the beginning of an Law & Order: SVU episode. AGAIN, nothing to do with Christmas!

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! But mainly your kids, because some creepy-asshole is watching them. He apparently knows when they're sleeping and when they're awake. If they've been bad or good. Get some blinds for your kinds room! Curtains, newspaper and tape... something! This guy is watching! 

Frosty The Snowman

I think the main question here is: "Would you let your kids play with a Snowman who JUST came to life by magical forces you know nothing about?" This sounds like witchcraft to me. You should probably call the preacher, and then maybe Ripley's Believe It Or Not> This shit could make you money. 

Although Frosty might be friendly, this shit is sad because the kids are going to have to watch him die eventually. I mean, he's made of snow. It's going to get above 30 degrees and he's gonna melt. Once he melts, burn that damn hat! There's no telling what kind of black magic it holds!

The Christmas Song

Roasting Chestnuts on an open fire seems like work. No thanks. Also, what about people who are older than 92? Are you pretty much saying "Fuck you!" with this song? What an asshole song! 

Last Christmas

Can we not even talk about this song please? It's the worst. It's one of those songs you begin grooving too, until you realize what it is and then you're like "FUCK!" You don't want to be "that bitch" dancing to this song. It's stupid. 

Hope you enjoyed that. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! 

Iggy Azalea Rant

I've had it. I'm so over it. Someone has to say it. I feel like we have a huge race issue in this country as it is, and now it's spilling over into the entertainment industry in a monumental way. Today I'm talking about Iggy Azalea and all the shit that's thrown at her from "professionals" who end up looking like little two year old babies who don't want to share their toys! 

It pisses me off that Azalea is criticized so much for being a white-female rapper. It's kinda the same way Macklemore are criticized, but this time it seems to be a lot more nasty. It seems like black Hip-Hop artists have a problem with white people being successful in this genre of music. Granted, it is a genre black people created, but does that mean white people like Macklemore and Iggy Azalea can't be inspired by it and make a career path of their own? 

In many ways, I feel like this is a race argument. White people are not trying to steal your shit from you. Iggy Azalea is simply carving out a place for herself in this world, and because of some mis-guided sense of entitlement, black Rap and Hip-Hop artists have taken great offense to it. "HOW DARE SHE MAKE MONEY OFF A GENRE OUR PEOPLE CREATED!" Who the fuck are you to say who can and can't make money off of anything? 

The amount of racism spewing from some of these well-known Rap and Hip-Hop artist mouths about white rappers just astounds me! What they don't realize is they're just widening an already HUGE gap here in America. Why can't people of any color just do their own shit without you getting butt-hurt about it? 

Yes, I did research, and I understand the history of Rap music. So don't be trying to lecture me about it. I understand the history, the origin and the reasoning behind it, yet I still don't understand why white artists are being persecuted for simply being inspired by Rap and Hip-Hop culture and carving out a career for themselves. The only explanation I can even fathom is because of racism. 

Whether all these black Rap and Hip-Hop artists criticizing Iggy want to admit it or not, they're racist. They don't mind if white people buy their albums or go to their concerts, but don't you dare try to become a white rapper. What they're saying is white people don't have the right to be in the Hip-Hop music industry because of our skin color. Because if we become successful artists like them, we will somehow be taking something away from them instead of adding to it. 

I mean, that's what I'm getting form all this. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not wrong, that was a rhetorical question. That's what some higher-ups in the Rap community are indeed saying to artists like Macklemore and Azalea. It's a bunch of bullshit and it needs to stop.

It's like telling a black person they can't be a Country Music star because they're black! It's absolutely absurd. I'm not saying black people haven't been through a lot. GOD ABOVE knows they have. Slavery, prejudices, segregation, etc. It's been a rough fucking ride for black people in America. I'm ashamed of that history, everyone is... well, maybe not super racist motherfuckers, but those guys can all just die in a fiery car crash. 

The problem I'm having is, if Iggy Azalea were a black rapper, there wouldn't be a problem. If she were a black male rapper, she'd be even more successful (But that's the sexism train, and we really don't want me to hop aboard that!). She's not trying to take anything away from anyone. She's just trying to live out her dreams. She idolizes the same musicians and Rap artists that most of the people who are criticizing her idolized. Downing her because she couldn't possibly begin to understand a culture that's not her own is just cruel. 

There's no way Iggy Azalea could possibly understand the hate and prejudice that comes along with her skin color, like black people can. But isn't that what black Hip-Hop artists are doing? Aren't they judging her based on her skin color? Aren't they letting their prejudices taint her talent? They're pretty much saying "Oh you're white, you can't sit with us." It's wrong in anyway you look at it. Iggy Azalea doesn't fit this "perfect" mold of a Rap artist, because of that, she's being chastised for it. It's wrong. 

The point of this rant is, should we really be making the crevices between our races bigger? Shouldn't we be trying to build bridges instead of burning them? With all the hate and craziness in the world right now, shouldn't music be a place for people to escape and not judge someone on their skin color? I know artists are always going to have beef with one another. They're always going to be arguing about something, but should these arguments really be about skin color? Can't we all just do our own thing without getting on each other's dicks about it? 

Sorry if this offends anyone. Someone finally had to say it. This is my opinion. Either way, Iggy Azalea is taking it all in stride. The more haters she racks up the bigger her check is going to be. That Heavy Crown, BITCH SHE GOT IT NOW! 

A salute to the haters.

Malicious Monday: All of the Other Reindeer

Hi. Welcome to another Malicious Monday! Usually I devote Monday to villains I actually like, today, we're doing something different. Today, we're talking about a bunch of bitches I hate.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was originally a booklet written by Robert L. May and published by Chicago based retailer Montgomery Ward in 1939. The retailer had been handing out Christmas coloring books every year, but decided to save money by creating one of their own. From there it evolved in to pretty much any media you could think of: Other books, music, television specials, movies, etc.

The first copy of Rudolph

The song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was written by Robery L. May's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks. Gene Autry's recording of the song hit number 1 on Billboard's pop singles chart the week of Christmas 1949. Autry's record sold 2.5 million copies the first year, eventually selling 25 million all in all. It remained the second best selling record until the 1980's. And we all know about the classic 1964 stop-motion animation special. We've all seen it as kids so I'm not even going to get into that.

From the 1964 TV special.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer recounts the story of Rudolph who is born with a shining red nose. Because he is different, the other reindeer brutally harass him and exile him from their social circle. The 1964 TV special even goes as far to show Santa Claus disapproving of the way Rudolph is, as well as his parents trying to cover up what makes him different. All the bullying of Rudolph ends when a very foggy Christmas Eve rolls around. Santa comes to Rudolph and asks him to shine the way so he can deliver toys. Rudolph agrees and then everyone loves him.

From some animated movie no one watched.

Okay, so I fucking hate this story. I've always hated it. Even as a kid I was like "What!?". First off, it should be said that Santa does not know how to take care of mythical creatures. The Mythical Human Society should be called on his ass for real. You don't stand idly by while one of your pets get abused, whether it be emotional abuse or God forbid, physical abuse. What the fuck Santa?! Get your dick together and stand up for Rudolph! Just because he's different doesn't mean he deserves to be bullied! What is your problem!?!?

"Fuck you Santa."

Then there's the other Reindeer. You're supposed to be mythical, magical creatures! Why are you bulling an innocent, fellow reindeer just because he was born different? You should all be standing together! You're mythical creatures! It's a dangerous time for you bitches! There are hunters out there! Why do you think the Unicorns went into hiding years ago? It just doesn't make sense to me. The other reindeer and Santa didn't give a rat's ass about Rudolph until he could do something for them. They were all like "We know we bullied you and made your life a living hell, but could do this favor for us?" FUCK NO! I would stand back and watch that sleigh crash into a goddamn mountain in blaze of fire and reindeer parts before I would EVER light their damn way. They better be lucky I wasn't Rudolph, because I wouldn't have lifted a hoof for them.

Not even his mother accepted him! What a reindeer cunt!

And okay, I get it, I fucking get it, okay! The story is supposed to be about accepting others for their differences. The problem I have is, they didn't accept Rudolph until AFTER he did them a ginormous favor. I life risking favor. The story is kinda saying "Hey, it's okay to relentless bully people until they can do something for you. Then you can appreciate them and be their friends!" It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like it. I respect it as a Christmas hallmark, and fantastic folklore and stuff, but that's it.

So yeah, there's a different Malicious Monday for you. Usually I love the villains I talk about, but in this case, I fucking hate them. They're the worst. So I hope you enjoyed it and that you're having a marvelous Christmas time! I'll see you in the next post!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Villain Score: TAXIDERMY