My Interpretations of Popular Christmas Songs

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Hope all of you are having a much less hectic Holiday Season than I am!

I was just thinking the other day how much a dislike Christmas songs. It's not that I really hate them, I kinda go both ways. I have to be in the mood for them. I just kinda find them boring and monotonous. They're the same damn songs sung over and over and over again, just with different people singing it. I don't care how many people sing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" none of them are going to be better than Judy Garland's ORIGINAL version in Meet Me in St. Louis. That's right, that popular Christmas song was written for Judy and no one else. DEAL WITH IT.

I got off subject a little bit, my point is, hearing these songs over and over again every year had me thinking "I should talk about MY interpretations/random thoughts on these songs!" You're welcome. So here we go!

Sleigh Ride

God I hate this song. It's so annoying! Here's the first verse:

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,

Ring ting tingling too

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling

And friends are calling "yoo hoo",

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

Doesn't that just sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking annoying!?!? And if I had friends who called "yoo hoo" at me, they would no longer be my friends, because that's fucking lame. Also, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas. I mean there is a lyric that talks about a Birthday Party, which could be a reference to Jesus's Birthday, which is Christmas, but that's a stretch and you know it. So yeah, this song sucks horse nuts.

Jingle Bells

Is there anyone in the universe who doesn't know this song? I mean, it's so annoying. I hate it. I only like it when it's about Batman. You know, "Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!" but even that is stretching my like for this song. Again, this is a popular Christmas song, that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. There is no mention of Christmas or Christmas related things. I mean, yeah there's snow and bells, but there's snow and bells in Alaska all year round and they don't celebrate Christmas every day.

Also the song has a few verses that are often left out of the original song. Like this one:

A day or two ago,

The story I must tell

I went out on the snow,

And on my back I fell;

A gent was riding by

In a one-horse open sleigh,

He laughed as there I sprawling lie,

But quickly drove away.

That's horrible! Dude! That guy could be really hurt and he's just not going to help him? That's bullshit! Then there's this verse:

Now the ground is white

Go it while you're young,

Take the girls tonight

and sing this sleighing song;

Just get a bobtailed?bay

Two forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack! you'll take the lead.

I don't know about you, but this sounds pretty promisculous and cocaine related to me! It sounds like these poor girls is gonna get gang banged! I don't like it. This song can go suck a dildo.

12 Days of Christmas

What the fuck? Can this guy just stop!?!?! Why is he getting her all these birds? A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese-a-laying and seven swans-a-swimming. On top of that you get eight maids milking, what I assume is eight cows. I hope you got her a goddamn farm! The only thing this guy did right was the five golden rings part, but he probably spent so much money on the birds and slaves he bought to milk, dance, leap and play drums that they're probably gilded. This girl's house must be really smelly with all the birds and cows, really crowded and really loud because of the drummers. What was this guy thinking? Most importantly, what is a lord and why does it leap?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This song sounds pretty rape-ish. It's about this guy being like "Hey, I'm drunk, I wanna fuck you! Stay over because it's snowing." At one point she even asks "What's in this drink?" GURL you need to get out of the house! This guy is creepy! He's not taking no for an answer. Call you sister, who you mention in the song, and tell her to come pick your ass up. The situation you're in is NOT okay! It's like the beginning of an Law & Order: SVU episode. AGAIN, nothing to do with Christmas!

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! But mainly your kids, because some creepy-asshole is watching them. He apparently knows when they're sleeping and when they're awake. If they've been bad or good. Get some blinds for your kinds room! Curtains, newspaper and tape... something! This guy is watching! 

Frosty The Snowman

I think the main question here is: "Would you let your kids play with a Snowman who JUST came to life by magical forces you know nothing about?" This sounds like witchcraft to me. You should probably call the preacher, and then maybe Ripley's Believe It Or Not> This shit could make you money. 

Although Frosty might be friendly, this shit is sad because the kids are going to have to watch him die eventually. I mean, he's made of snow. It's going to get above 30 degrees and he's gonna melt. Once he melts, burn that damn hat! There's no telling what kind of black magic it holds!

The Christmas Song

Roasting Chestnuts on an open fire seems like work. No thanks. Also, what about people who are older than 92? Are you pretty much saying "Fuck you!" with this song? What an asshole song! 

Last Christmas

Can we not even talk about this song please? It's the worst. It's one of those songs you begin grooving too, until you realize what it is and then you're like "FUCK!" You don't want to be "that bitch" dancing to this song. It's stupid. 

Hope you enjoyed that. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! 

Malicious Monday - Krampus

YAY!!! Give a fuck, it's Christmas!!! This Monday, we're talking about the Christmas Devil himself, Krampus! Now, this post has been very daunting. There's so much folklore and history that goes into the Krampus legend, it's ridiculous. I'm not your history teacher, so fuck off! If I get a few things wrong, sorry not sorry. It's so much! So let's just get to gettin'.

Ummm... this don't look good for you.

Krampus is a horned, half-goat, half-demon creature with claws, dark hair and fangs. He wears chains and bells that he can lash out at people, has a really long tongue that would make Mick Jagger blush and carries a bundle of birch sticks so he can slap the shit out of naughty children and then drag them to the underworld for being little pricks (AWESOME)! The name comes from the German word krampen, meaning claw (AWESOME). The origin of Krampus is unknown. It's believed to come from Germany and had pre-Christian roots. According to an 1958 article in which historian Maurice Bruce discusses the legend:

"There seems to be little doubt as to his true identity for, in no other form is the full regalia of the Horned God of the Witches so well preserved. The birch—apart from its phallic significance—may have a connection with the initiation rites of certain witch-covens; rites which entailed binding and scourging as a form of mock-death. The chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to 'bind the Devil' but again they could be a remnant of pagan initiation rites."

"I gots some NOMS for later!"

But really, who the hell knows, and who the hell cares! He's here to bring justice to mean children! Be grateful! What is known is that Krampus was created as a counterpart to St. Nicholas, who brings sweets and toys to the good children. Krampus would usually come to collect the mean kids on December 6th and drag them to his lair.

You kids are so fucked. 

Eventually, adults wanted in on the fun! Some places in Europe began having a Krampus Run, where drunk people would dress up as demons and chase people through the streets! Whoever had this idea deserves a Nobel Prize or some shit, because that person is awesome! As time went on, the legend of Krampus has been suppressed by many cultures, afraid that it may be too frightening for children. You can't keep a good legend down too long though! Krampus is making a huge comeback! It's mainly for those who have a "bah, humbug" attitude towards Christmas.  

You have to ask "Where are the parents?"

I love the legend of Krampus. I remember hearing about him when I was in Second Grade. We were studying French history and Krampus came up. I thought he was scary as dick! I felt sorry for the mean French children. I mean, you can say what you want to about Krampus, but I bet them children back then were scared shitless of him! I bet they were all little angels! There's nothing wrong with scarring children into behaving! If anything, that's whats wrong with society today. Kids don't have consequences for their actions. I know if I ever have children, I'm totally telling them about Krampus ALL. YEAR. LONG. I don't care if they have a complex about it when they're older, hell, by that time they'll be adults and out of my hair. Fucking bye!

Don't fight it, you'll just get him pissed.

You know those bratty, annoying kids you see in the aisles of Target, or whatever. You know, those kids who are screaming and yelling at their parents to buy them something they don't need. Or, what about those kids who just scream at the top of their lungs in restaurants and run around, bumping into you? Have you ever wondered what happened to those terrible, annoying children? Well, Krampus ate them! YAY! Krampus came, put their asses in a bag, dragged them to his lair, boiled them and ate with with nice Chianti. 

That's right! Cry! You'll make your skin more salty!

I know that's terrible, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a bitch sometimes.

Villain Score: Mean-Kid Casserole! YUM! 

But seriously, I hope you're holiday season isn't sucking major donkey balls! I hope you have a fantastic week of Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"Mean kid ears taste like candy!"

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986)

Directed by: Henry Winkler
Written by: William Bleich and Dolly Parton
Starring: Dolly Parton, Lee Majors, Bo Hopkins, Dan Hedaya, Anita Morris, Rene Auberjonois and John Ritter

Oh yes... It's happening.

And I'm dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas 

With the kids around the fireplace 

Makin' angels for the tree 

I'm dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas 

With nothing much that money buys 

But everything worth while in life 

Dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas

Look it's... CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

Yay, A Dolly Parton Christmas movie!!! YAY!!! God, I love this movie! I've watched this movie every year since I was a little itty-bitty! It never gets old, it's just one of those good movies, safe for anyone to watch. I forget how much I love this movie until I see it again. 

Yeah, Dolly needs to get away from the stress of paparazzi at her window. 

Dolly Parton plays Lorna Davis, a superstar Country singer (I know, it's a bit of a stretch for her.), who decides to escape her hectic life for a while by visiting the Smokey Mountains where she grew up for the Christmas season. When she gets to the cabin her friend lent her, she finds that seven runaway children have taken up residency there. Neither of them wanting to be found out, they agree to live together until after Christmas when they'll figure something out. Lorna also has to deal with a misogynist sheriff who's after her Kool-Aid, a jealous, crazed mountain witch who's envious that the Sheriff wants Lorna's Kool-Aid, a relentless paparazzi and Mountain Dan.  Will this be the Smokey Mountain Christmas Lorna dreams of, of will it just go up in smoke?

It's going to be an adorable Christmas film! You can already tell!

This is such a simple, fun movie. Miss Dolly is at her best as usual. Even more so because she was so connected to this role. Dolly is a lot like her character. Like Lorna, Dolly grew up in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee and came from a poor, mountain family. I love that she's in a secluded cabin with kids, yet she still has her hair, makeup and nails done to the nines. And if you thought Dolly wasn't going to sing in this movie, you'd be sorely mistaken! Any chance she gets to sing, she sings! And we love it! Watching Dolly interact with the kids is so amazing. You can tell she's not really playing a character, she's playing a version of herself. This isn't surprising considering she co-wrote this movie. You can tell this was a labor of love, not just for Dolly, but for everyone involved.

It's Six Million Dollar Mountain Dan!

Lee Majors plays Mountain Dan, a lawyer who's life got far too hectic so escaped to the mountains and became a loner. The kids are terrified of Mountain Dan at first, but the rumors of his cruelty and evilness has been exaggerated greatly. They soon learn Mountain Dan is a good guy. Obviously, Lorna and Mountain Dan become close... we he really wants to climb her mountains. Sorry I couldn't help myself. Lee Majors does a good job, though it wasn't necessarily a hard part for a former Six Million Dollar man to play considering he hardly had any emotion. 

I mean, if I were a cop, I would do the same thing, 

"You don't wanna sleep with me? Bitch, I'm on Dynasty!"

Bo Hopkins does a fantastic job as the smooth-talking Sheriff and main antagonist in this film. I just want to haul off and hit him so much it's fantastic. Then theirs Anita Morris. Anita Morris is probably the standout role in this movie. She plays Jezebel, the evil mountain witch who is obsessed with the Sheriff. Evidently the Sheriff and Jezebel used to be together, and he dumped her for another woman. Now she's making his life, and whatever woman catches his eye's life, a living hell. It even implies that she's killed a woman the Sheriff got close too before. She also has the best lines in the movie: "I am the most beautiful woman you have EVER seen." 

Don't mess with a mountain witch or her fabulous hair.

Guuurl... candles on the stairs? That's irresponsible 

The kids are fantastic and adorable and Dan Hedaya is great as the goofy, but lovable paparazzi. The movie was directed by Arthur Fonzarelli also known as Henry Winkler. This is one of his few directorial jobs and I think he did a fantastic job, especially working with seven kids. 

Dem nails... could she be anymore fabulous?

I wonder if that beard is itchy for her, and her wig for him. 

It's an elf version of Dolly!

I think I had a nightmare like this once...

I love how the movie is a modern fairytale, obviously inspired by Snow White. This movie is just the tits (pun intended)! I love it, and I hope it continues to warm the icy cold hearts of future generations just like it did mine. WE LOVE YOU DOLLY!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT! It's a happy ending!

How about them melon.... I mean... apples.

Malicious Monday: All of the Other Reindeer

Hi. Welcome to another Malicious Monday! Usually I devote Monday to villains I actually like, today, we're doing something different. Today, we're talking about a bunch of bitches I hate.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was originally a booklet written by Robert L. May and published by Chicago based retailer Montgomery Ward in 1939. The retailer had been handing out Christmas coloring books every year, but decided to save money by creating one of their own. From there it evolved in to pretty much any media you could think of: Other books, music, television specials, movies, etc.

The first copy of Rudolph

The song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was written by Robery L. May's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks. Gene Autry's recording of the song hit number 1 on Billboard's pop singles chart the week of Christmas 1949. Autry's record sold 2.5 million copies the first year, eventually selling 25 million all in all. It remained the second best selling record until the 1980's. And we all know about the classic 1964 stop-motion animation special. We've all seen it as kids so I'm not even going to get into that.

From the 1964 TV special.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer recounts the story of Rudolph who is born with a shining red nose. Because he is different, the other reindeer brutally harass him and exile him from their social circle. The 1964 TV special even goes as far to show Santa Claus disapproving of the way Rudolph is, as well as his parents trying to cover up what makes him different. All the bullying of Rudolph ends when a very foggy Christmas Eve rolls around. Santa comes to Rudolph and asks him to shine the way so he can deliver toys. Rudolph agrees and then everyone loves him.

From some animated movie no one watched.

Okay, so I fucking hate this story. I've always hated it. Even as a kid I was like "What!?". First off, it should be said that Santa does not know how to take care of mythical creatures. The Mythical Human Society should be called on his ass for real. You don't stand idly by while one of your pets get abused, whether it be emotional abuse or God forbid, physical abuse. What the fuck Santa?! Get your dick together and stand up for Rudolph! Just because he's different doesn't mean he deserves to be bullied! What is your problem!?!?

"Fuck you Santa."

Then there's the other Reindeer. You're supposed to be mythical, magical creatures! Why are you bulling an innocent, fellow reindeer just because he was born different? You should all be standing together! You're mythical creatures! It's a dangerous time for you bitches! There are hunters out there! Why do you think the Unicorns went into hiding years ago? It just doesn't make sense to me. The other reindeer and Santa didn't give a rat's ass about Rudolph until he could do something for them. They were all like "We know we bullied you and made your life a living hell, but could do this favor for us?" FUCK NO! I would stand back and watch that sleigh crash into a goddamn mountain in blaze of fire and reindeer parts before I would EVER light their damn way. They better be lucky I wasn't Rudolph, because I wouldn't have lifted a hoof for them.

Not even his mother accepted him! What a reindeer cunt!

And okay, I get it, I fucking get it, okay! The story is supposed to be about accepting others for their differences. The problem I have is, they didn't accept Rudolph until AFTER he did them a ginormous favor. I life risking favor. The story is kinda saying "Hey, it's okay to relentless bully people until they can do something for you. Then you can appreciate them and be their friends!" It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like it. I respect it as a Christmas hallmark, and fantastic folklore and stuff, but that's it.

So yeah, there's a different Malicious Monday for you. Usually I love the villains I talk about, but in this case, I fucking hate them. They're the worst. So I hope you enjoyed it and that you're having a marvelous Christmas time! I'll see you in the next post!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Villain Score: TAXIDERMY