Malicious Monday - Krampus

YAY!!! Give a fuck, it's Christmas!!! This Monday, we're talking about the Christmas Devil himself, Krampus! Now, this post has been very daunting. There's so much folklore and history that goes into the Krampus legend, it's ridiculous. I'm not your history teacher, so fuck off! If I get a few things wrong, sorry not sorry. It's so much! So let's just get to gettin'.

Ummm... this don't look good for you.

Krampus is a horned, half-goat, half-demon creature with claws, dark hair and fangs. He wears chains and bells that he can lash out at people, has a really long tongue that would make Mick Jagger blush and carries a bundle of birch sticks so he can slap the shit out of naughty children and then drag them to the underworld for being little pricks (AWESOME)! The name comes from the German word krampen, meaning claw (AWESOME). The origin of Krampus is unknown. It's believed to come from Germany and had pre-Christian roots. According to an 1958 article in which historian Maurice Bruce discusses the legend:

"There seems to be little doubt as to his true identity for, in no other form is the full regalia of the Horned God of the Witches so well preserved. The birch—apart from its phallic significance—may have a connection with the initiation rites of certain witch-covens; rites which entailed binding and scourging as a form of mock-death. The chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to 'bind the Devil' but again they could be a remnant of pagan initiation rites."

"I gots some NOMS for later!"

But really, who the hell knows, and who the hell cares! He's here to bring justice to mean children! Be grateful! What is known is that Krampus was created as a counterpart to St. Nicholas, who brings sweets and toys to the good children. Krampus would usually come to collect the mean kids on December 6th and drag them to his lair.

You kids are so fucked. 

Eventually, adults wanted in on the fun! Some places in Europe began having a Krampus Run, where drunk people would dress up as demons and chase people through the streets! Whoever had this idea deserves a Nobel Prize or some shit, because that person is awesome! As time went on, the legend of Krampus has been suppressed by many cultures, afraid that it may be too frightening for children. You can't keep a good legend down too long though! Krampus is making a huge comeback! It's mainly for those who have a "bah, humbug" attitude towards Christmas.  

You have to ask "Where are the parents?"

I love the legend of Krampus. I remember hearing about him when I was in Second Grade. We were studying French history and Krampus came up. I thought he was scary as dick! I felt sorry for the mean French children. I mean, you can say what you want to about Krampus, but I bet them children back then were scared shitless of him! I bet they were all little angels! There's nothing wrong with scarring children into behaving! If anything, that's whats wrong with society today. Kids don't have consequences for their actions. I know if I ever have children, I'm totally telling them about Krampus ALL. YEAR. LONG. I don't care if they have a complex about it when they're older, hell, by that time they'll be adults and out of my hair. Fucking bye!

Don't fight it, you'll just get him pissed.

You know those bratty, annoying kids you see in the aisles of Target, or whatever. You know, those kids who are screaming and yelling at their parents to buy them something they don't need. Or, what about those kids who just scream at the top of their lungs in restaurants and run around, bumping into you? Have you ever wondered what happened to those terrible, annoying children? Well, Krampus ate them! YAY! Krampus came, put their asses in a bag, dragged them to his lair, boiled them and ate with with nice Chianti. 

That's right! Cry! You'll make your skin more salty!

I know that's terrible, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a bitch sometimes.

Villain Score: Mean-Kid Casserole! YUM! 

But seriously, I hope you're holiday season isn't sucking major donkey balls! I hope you have a fantastic week of Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"Mean kid ears taste like candy!"