My Interpretations of Popular Christmas Songs

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Hope all of you are having a much less hectic Holiday Season than I am!

I was just thinking the other day how much a dislike Christmas songs. It's not that I really hate them, I kinda go both ways. I have to be in the mood for them. I just kinda find them boring and monotonous. They're the same damn songs sung over and over and over again, just with different people singing it. I don't care how many people sing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" none of them are going to be better than Judy Garland's ORIGINAL version in Meet Me in St. Louis. That's right, that popular Christmas song was written for Judy and no one else. DEAL WITH IT.

I got off subject a little bit, my point is, hearing these songs over and over again every year had me thinking "I should talk about MY interpretations/random thoughts on these songs!" You're welcome. So here we go!

Sleigh Ride

God I hate this song. It's so annoying! Here's the first verse:

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,

Ring ting tingling too

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling

And friends are calling "yoo hoo",

Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you.

Doesn't that just sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking annoying!?!? And if I had friends who called "yoo hoo" at me, they would no longer be my friends, because that's fucking lame. Also, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas. I mean there is a lyric that talks about a Birthday Party, which could be a reference to Jesus's Birthday, which is Christmas, but that's a stretch and you know it. So yeah, this song sucks horse nuts.

Jingle Bells

Is there anyone in the universe who doesn't know this song? I mean, it's so annoying. I hate it. I only like it when it's about Batman. You know, "Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!" but even that is stretching my like for this song. Again, this is a popular Christmas song, that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. There is no mention of Christmas or Christmas related things. I mean, yeah there's snow and bells, but there's snow and bells in Alaska all year round and they don't celebrate Christmas every day.

Also the song has a few verses that are often left out of the original song. Like this one:

A day or two ago,

The story I must tell

I went out on the snow,

And on my back I fell;

A gent was riding by

In a one-horse open sleigh,

He laughed as there I sprawling lie,

But quickly drove away.

That's horrible! Dude! That guy could be really hurt and he's just not going to help him? That's bullshit! Then there's this verse:

Now the ground is white

Go it while you're young,

Take the girls tonight

and sing this sleighing song;

Just get a bobtailed?bay

Two forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack! you'll take the lead.

I don't know about you, but this sounds pretty promisculous and cocaine related to me! It sounds like these poor girls is gonna get gang banged! I don't like it. This song can go suck a dildo.

12 Days of Christmas

What the fuck? Can this guy just stop!?!?! Why is he getting her all these birds? A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese-a-laying and seven swans-a-swimming. On top of that you get eight maids milking, what I assume is eight cows. I hope you got her a goddamn farm! The only thing this guy did right was the five golden rings part, but he probably spent so much money on the birds and slaves he bought to milk, dance, leap and play drums that they're probably gilded. This girl's house must be really smelly with all the birds and cows, really crowded and really loud because of the drummers. What was this guy thinking? Most importantly, what is a lord and why does it leap?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This song sounds pretty rape-ish. It's about this guy being like "Hey, I'm drunk, I wanna fuck you! Stay over because it's snowing." At one point she even asks "What's in this drink?" GURL you need to get out of the house! This guy is creepy! He's not taking no for an answer. Call you sister, who you mention in the song, and tell her to come pick your ass up. The situation you're in is NOT okay! It's like the beginning of an Law & Order: SVU episode. AGAIN, nothing to do with Christmas!

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! But mainly your kids, because some creepy-asshole is watching them. He apparently knows when they're sleeping and when they're awake. If they've been bad or good. Get some blinds for your kinds room! Curtains, newspaper and tape... something! This guy is watching! 

Frosty The Snowman

I think the main question here is: "Would you let your kids play with a Snowman who JUST came to life by magical forces you know nothing about?" This sounds like witchcraft to me. You should probably call the preacher, and then maybe Ripley's Believe It Or Not> This shit could make you money. 

Although Frosty might be friendly, this shit is sad because the kids are going to have to watch him die eventually. I mean, he's made of snow. It's going to get above 30 degrees and he's gonna melt. Once he melts, burn that damn hat! There's no telling what kind of black magic it holds!

The Christmas Song

Roasting Chestnuts on an open fire seems like work. No thanks. Also, what about people who are older than 92? Are you pretty much saying "Fuck you!" with this song? What an asshole song! 

Last Christmas

Can we not even talk about this song please? It's the worst. It's one of those songs you begin grooving too, until you realize what it is and then you're like "FUCK!" You don't want to be "that bitch" dancing to this song. It's stupid. 

Hope you enjoyed that. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!