Malicious Monday: Cersei Lannister

"When you play the game of thrones you win or you die. There is no middle ground."

Hi. Welcome back to Malicious Monday! Sorry I've been away, I could come up with a million bullshit excuses, but lets just get to the blog post!

YAAAASSSS!!! Cersei Lannister!!! QUEEN!!! GIVIN' ME LYYYFE!!!!

That's right folks, today's I give you the scheming, manipulative, incestuous and sometimes not too bright... Cersei Lannister, played by the FABULOUS Lena Heady, from the HBO/BoobiesTV show, Game of Thrones! YAY!!!

Cersei was born into the wealthy and powerful Lannister family of Casterly Rock. Her father, Tywin Lannister was the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei is the elder twin of Sir Jaime Lannister and the oldest sister Tyrian Lannister. When she was four years old, he mother, Joanna, died giving birth to her youngest brother Tyrian. From that point on she deeply resented Tyrian and blamed him for her mother's death. I know I've blamed babies for things like farts and messes, but never murder.

Dat hair though!

Her father, Tywin, was often away from Casterly Rock serving as Hand of the King at the Capital. He's visits back to Casterly Rock were infrequent, leaving Cersei and her brothers to be raised by servants. During her youth, Cersei began an incestuous relationship with Jaime, one that would last into adulthood. She had sexual relations with other men, but all of them seemed to use her and move on, Jaime always remained faithful to Cersei, never taking another lover.

When she was about fifteen, Cersie, along with her friend Melara, visited a witch named Maggy who lived in the forest near Casterly Rock. Cersie demanded that Maggy tell her fortune. Maggy tasted a drop of Cersie's blood and revealed to Cersei she wouldn't marry "the Prince" but "the King", and while the king would have twenty sons, she would bear only three children who will wear golden crowns as well as golden shrouds. Finally, she revealed to Cersei that although she would indeed be Queen, she would be cast down by another, younger and more beautiful queen.

At the age of 19, Cersei married King Robert Baratheon after her father's political maneuvering. While the marriage was one of politics, Cersei was infatuated by the King, and thought of nothing else but being his Queen and loving him forever. It soon became clear to Cersei that Robert didn't love her and never would. Her wake up call was he fucking wedding night while they were in the throws of passion, Robert called Cersei Lyanna! ON HER WEDDING NIGHT! WTF?! Dude! Get your dick together! His heart belonged to another named Lyanna, obviously. Despite this, Cersei gave birth to his son who died shortly after birth. Cersei was heartbroken, and Robert was never there for her. In time, her love for Robert turned to pure hatred. She and Jaime began their incestuous relations again and she bore Jaime three children,Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen. All three were officially passed off as Robert's and Cersie and Jaime's relationship was kept secret.

#Mis-match

Shit get's real years later. When we first meet Cersei, her and her lover/brother, Jaime are discussing Jon Arryn's death. Apparently, Jon Arryn was The Hand of The King(like a trusted assistant sort of thing) and had found out about Cersei's affair with Jaime, but died before he could tell King Robert. Robert and Cersei and the whole royal brood visit Ned Stark and his family at Winterfell. Ned and Robert are good buddies, it's here Robert asks Ned to be his new Hand of the King. Ned is reluctant but agrees. The trip isn't all lollipops and roses. Ned's youngest son, Bran, witnesses the incest between Cersei and Jaime. Jaime pushes him out a window to keep him quiet. Though Bran lives, he's in a comatose state.

"Hey sis, wanna do some sex stuff?"

Cersei just continues being a bitch. Ned bring his daughters, Sansa and Arya to King's Landing with him, but on the way there's a mishap between Joffery and Arya's wolf. Though Arya's wolf was trying to protect her and her friend from Joffery's cruelty, Cersei would hear none of it. Because Arya forced her wolf to run away so it wouldn't be slaughtered, Cersie orders Sansa's wolf be killed instead. Sansa is heartbroken, but she continues to be a dutiful betrothed to the Joffery. 

When at King's Landing, Cersei continues to torture and prod at Sansa, just for fun. While Robert goes out on a hunt, Ed learns the truth about Cersei's children. He stupidly confronts Cersei and suggests she leave before Robert comes back. Fortunately for Cersei, Robert is badly wounded. He dies, but not before naming Ed protector of the Realm. Cersei wastes no time crowning her son Joffery the King. She has Ed arrested and imprisoned. Also while in King's Landing, Cersei partners with some real, real shady guy named Petyr AKA Littlefinger, but this blog post is already going to be INCREDIBLY long, so we're not even getting into that shit. 

Cersei forces Sansa to write to her elder brother, Robb to kneel before Joffery as King in return for her father's life. This infuriates Robb and raises an army to go against King's Landing. Cersei encourages Sansa to make a plea for her father's life to Joffery. Joffery agrees to spare him if Ed recants his claims about him not being the true king. Ned agrees and in front of a the people of King's Landing proclaims Joffery the true King. Then Joffery's all like "Just kidding, Sansa!" and executes Ned in front of her. Cersei is mortified by this. She begins to realize that Joffery is out of control. War erupts between the Starks and the Lannisters, while Cersei continues to keep her son secure on the throne. 

No one's surprised, I mean Sean Bean's character always dies.

Cersei continues to govern under the title Queen Regent. She also continues to defend her psycho son and his title as war rages. With everyone calling her son's entitlement to the Iron Throne into question, Cersei orders a city wide massacre of all of Robert's bastard children. She continues to manipulate and bitch her way in King's Landing and it's quite amazing to watch. When Tyrian sends Cersei's only daughter off to get married to secure relations with a neighboring Kingdon, Cersei vows to destroy him by taking something he loves. Which she does, or thinks she does. She has a prostitute kidnapped and beaten, thinking it was Tyrian's lover. It wasn't and Cersei ends up looking stupid to Tyrian. 

Look at all my gold shit!

When the War of the 5 Kings comes to Cersei's door, she gather's all the ladies of the Court in her quarters, including Sansa Stark who she takes great pleasure in mentally tormenting while drinking a whole bunch of wine. Her brother Tyrian demands that Joffery fight to defend the castle, which infuriates Cersei. She thinks Tyrian is purposely trying to kill her son. She calls her son to stay in the safety of the quarters with her, while Tyrian bravely battles off the enemies. Tyrian is wounded badly, but is never rewarded for his bravery. He is instead pushed aside by Cersei who gives all the glory to her father Tywin. After the battle of King's Landing, Cersei humiliates Sansa Stark, yet again, by persuading Joffery to marry Margaery Tyrell instead.

Cersei begins growing dissatisfied with Margaery who begins ruling with kindness and love for the people, as opposed to Cersei who only knows how to rule by making the people fear her. When Cersei tries to dissuade Joffrey from marrying Margaery, she's left cut off from him. Leaving her completely powerless over her own son. Later, Cersei is told she will be married to Loras Tyrell, Margaery's brother. Cersei protests this, but her father commands it and tells her that it would put to rest the rumors of her and Jaime. 

#MySonIsPsycho

Tyrian and Sansa are forced to get married. During this ceremony, one of the bitchiest scenes in GoT happens between Margaery and Cersei. When Margaery tries to make peace with Cersei and calls her "sister", Cersei coolly replies "If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep." YAS! GOD I LOVE HER! 

It doesn't really matter though... Cersei continues having problems with Joffrey. At a meeting with her father Tywin, they learn Robb Stark and Catelyn have died, Joffery proclaims he wants Robb's head to serve to Sansa (Robb's sister) at his wedding reception. Cersei tries to pass it off as a joke, but Joffrey insists that he's serious. He even calls Tywin a coward. At the reception of Joffrey and Margaery, Joffrey is fatally poisoned. He dies in Cersei's arms. In a blind rage, Cersei has Tyrian arrested, because in Cersei's mind, everything is Tyrian's fault. 

Everyone is happy your son is dead, except for you. Get a clue gurl.

Tyrian escapes, but not before killing her their father Tywin. Cersei faces the loss of her son and father, and turns to the only man she's ever been able to count on... her brother Jaime. Gross. 

Funerals in this Realm are creepy. 

Cersei's youngest son, Tommen, becomes King and marries Margaery. Cersei really hates Margaery and tries to turn Tommen against her. Tommen subtly suggests that Cersei should give up her title as Queen Mother and go back to Casterly Rock if she felt that way. Cersei quickly shut up. 

Resting Bitch-Face has never looked so good.

Cersei makes the stupidest decision ever. She decides to join forces with a crazy religious group called the Sparrows. She gives them military power to punish the wicked, including her own family. It's soon revealed that Cersei has done this all to get Loras Tyrell out of her hair. Because Loras is super gay, Loras is arrested by the Sparrows and put on trial. Margaery, his sister, is devastated for her brother who is being kept is dark chambers and treated badly. Loras' lover testifies that Margaery knew about his escapades with Loras and she's arrested and thrown in the cells as well. Cersei is LOVING this. Everything is going according to her plan, even though Tommen is heartbroken about it. 

"Oh Tommen, your wife looks like a whore. You should dump her."

Cersei visits Margaery in her cell, pretty much to gloat, but being very subtle about it. Margaery argues that she knows Cersei engineered everything, but Cersei is just loving every minute of it. 

"Sorry I made your wife go to jail... not."

It isn't long before Cersei herself winds up in a cell after Lancel, her cousin, confesses that they both shared carnal relations while Jaime was away and while she was still married to King Robert. Cersei swears revenge to those who imprison her and remains stubborn for several days. She finally abandons her pride and confesses to the charges

FUCK!

As her punishment, she is stripped naked and is forced to walk the streets to her castle while the people of the Kingdom insult her and throw varies items at her. When she finally gets back, the only person who welcomes her is Qyburn, her weird scientist/magician friend. Qyburn then introduces Cersei to the newest member of the King's Guard, a manufactured 7-8 foot tall man in golden armor. The giant guard picks Cersei up and carries her to Qyburn's chambers to bandage her feet, which are badly injured. As she's carried away, Cersei's eyes light up with vengeance. 

"Well... Karma sucks."

Dayum that was long. 

Whether you like Cersei or not, you can't deny she's one fierce bitch. She only cares about someone if A) they're her family or B) They can do something for her and/or her family. I'm making no qualms here, she's absolutely horrible. Lena Heady and the writers do a fantastic job at making this character terrible. Lena Heady herself, has stated that she plays Cersei as if she's a wayward 15 year old girl in a woman's body who's never had proper parenting.

Most of the problems with Cersei can indeed be centered around her lack of supervision as a child. She's always had everything she's ever wanted, everything but a penis. It's true, I feel like Cersei is jealous and resentful of men. In this society, she's looked down upon because she's a woman. It frustrates her, because at the end of the day she has to watch these men she thinks inferior make decisions that she feels could have been better. 

The restraints placed on Cersei because of her sex have taken a toll on her. She's often blinded by her ambition and need to stay relevant. To her, not having power is as good as being dead. She doesn't want to be like the countless women before her and disappear into the background. This is why I think Cersei does these horrible things. She justifies her actions by her own sense of morality because she feels she can't play by the rules of everyone else. She's above everyone else, she's a hybrid. She's not a man, but at the same time she's not an average woman. She's a Queen, a Lannister and probably in her mind a god. She looks down on other women for their weaknesses, but refuses to acknowledge her own. She blames society or her father for her faults, never herself. Nothing is ever the great Cersei Lannister's fault. 

This being said, she has major man issues. She fucks her brother because he's the only man who has ever been there for her unconditionally. She knows he'll never leave her. He's of the same family and stature, she knows he doesn't want anything she has because he already has it. He too is a Lannister and her equal.

#gross

Another interesting thing about Cersei is her relationships with her children. Her lack of parental guidance shows in abundance when it comes to parenting her own children. She's a poor moral guide for them. She dotes on them, cherishes them, but doesn't treat them like children. She treats them more like extensions of herself. She has convinced herself that she is concerned with their welfare, but when the chips are down she's not so much worried about what is best for them, more about someone taking them away from her. 

This isn't the only case where she deludes herself about her children. With Joffrey, she has built this whole plan up in her mind for Joffrey he's entire childhood. She's convinced herself that he will be the greatest, bravest King the Seven Kingdoms has ever known. When Joffrey does infact become King, and even before that, Cersei completely blinds herself to Joffrey's reckless and completely bat-shit-crazy actions. She can't face that her oldest son is a psychopath, not until the end after all the damage is done. It's one of times Cersei questions herself. She wonders if Joffrey's mental state was a punishment for her incestuous relationship with Jaime. 

Her sense of entitlement is another factor we have to address. She's the daughter of the most powerful man in the Realm. She also is the Queen mother. She thinks that she can do whatever she wants without repercussions, though, along the way she learns this isn't true. When her actions finally catch up to her, Cersei refuses to believe it. I think she's in shock when she's imprisoned by the Sparrows. For the first time... something bad is happening to her because of something she has done. Never before have their been direct consequences such as this for her actions. 

YAAASSSSS!!! QUEEN!!!!

It's hard to not feel sorry for Cersei as she's walking through the rough streets of King's Landing. She's naked, broken and covered in refuse the people who once feared her have thrown at her. She's mocked and ridiculed by those who are, in her mind, lesser than her. When she finally gets back to the castle, she's met with coldness. The only person to show her any kindness is a crazy doctor she's hired. She has lost everything. The only thing she's living for now is sweet, sweet vengeance. 

"Do I deserve this? .... Yeah probably."

Under all the bitch, I do feel like Cersei is a hurt little girl. Her father favored her twin brother, Jaime his entire life, only using her to marry into royalty. Then, her betrothed, Robert Baratheon, the only other man besides Jaime she's ever loved, revealed on the night of their wedding that his heart would always belong to another woman who died long ago. These sorts of things have to take a toll on the woman. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter, we're going to continue loving to hate this woman as long as the show continues... or at least as long as her character lives, with this damn show you never know. 

Next Season WILL. BE. MINE!

VILLAIN SCORE: MORE WINE

Malicious Monday - The Snow Queen

The Snow Queen is a original fairy-tale written by Hans Christian Andersen and published in 1844. The story is about a little girl traveling a great distance to rescue her friend Kai from the grips of the evil Snow Queen. The story mainly focuses on how love will always conquer evil no matter what the obstacle. Whatever.... we're not here to talk about that mushy stuff, we're here to talk about the main bitch, The Snow Queen.

The original illustration from Andersen's book.

When I was younger, I remember an animated movie coming on called The Snow Queen. It was an old Russian cartoon film from 1957, it was dubbed in English and released here in 1959. I don't know how I stumbled upon it at such a young age, or who was airing it, but it came on and my grandfather taped it for me. I loved it! I watched it all the time.  I remember taking it to my kindergarten class for show and tell. Everyone loved it and wanted it, but it wasn't available on VHS at the time that I knew of. My grandfather simply taped it for me.

From the 1957 animated film.

Needless to say, I've been waiting for Disney or Dreamworks, any animation studio to give The Snow Queen a new life. There were some attempts, but none of them were very good. The story is so intricate, and the Snow Queen herself is such an  awesome villain, I was surprised no one ever jumped on it. Nothing happened until 2013 when Disney released Frozen. Needless to say, after hearing about the plot of the film, I was disappointed. Though Frozen obviously takes inspiration from The Snow Queen, it isn't Andersen's Snow Queen. Therefore it failed me. This is probably the main reason I still haven't seen Frozen.

"Who the fuck is this Elsa bitch?"

The ABC show Once Upon a Time didn't fail me though. They did the Frozen story arch on the first half of the 4th season, and they introduced The Snow Queen into their story which filled me with glee! On Once, The Snow Queen is Elsa and Anna's aunt named Ingrid. Elsa and Anna's mother trapped Ingrid in a magical urn after she accidentally killed their other sister with her ice/snow powers. Anna and Elsa's mother had the rock trolls cast a spell over the entire kingdom so everyone would forget both Ingrid and the sister she killed.

Always pick a profession related to your magical power.

It isn't until Elsa opens the urn that she finds Ingrid. Ingrid's only wish as the she, Elsa and Emma can be sisters, the way it was when she had two sisters. Ingrid puts up an ice wall around Storybrook to trap Elsa and Emma in. She believes that normal humans cannot understand her, Elsa and Emma because they fear them and their powers. She then casts the spell of shattered sight on all the other citizens of the town. This spell is a huge throwback to Andersen's original story. In the 1844 tale, there's an evil mirror that is shattered into millions of pieces and scattered all around the globe. When a piece of this evil mirror gets into the eyes of someone, that person can only see the ugly, negative side of everyone and everything. This is exactly what Ingrid does in Once. She has mirror shards fall on the citizens so they can only see the bad in each other. Her ultimate plan is that they all kill each other, however it doesn't work out like that. Ingrid eventually realizes what she's doing is wrong, so she destroys herself to save the town.

"My eyes are up here."

The fabulous Elizabeth Mitchell brings her icy, blondness to the role of The Snow Queen. They couldn't have gotten anyone better! She was absolutely spot on. Mitchell plays Ingrid, the Snow Queen, disguised as an ice cream parlor owner (Appropriate) who makes the best rocky-road in town. Well done to the people at Once Upon a Time for giving The Snow Queen a much deserved story line while still staying true to the original fairy-tale.

Gurl.. that mirror is broken.

In the original story, it's so hard to relate with the Snow Queen. She's never given a rhyme or reason to why she's so evil. All that's said is that her heart is made of ice. Nothing else. Once Upon a Time put their spin on things and made it absolutely beautiful. In this version, the Snow Queen (AKA Ingrid) is a broken human being. She's is ostracized because she's different. Her powers are greatly feared, though she's never been violent. They only people who accept her are her two sisters. When she accidentally kills one of her sisters, the other is so overwhelmed with grief she traps Ingrid in a magical urn, trapping her there for years.

Elizabeth Mitchell makes a sexy, sexy Snow Queen.

Ingrid sees this as a betrayal. The one person who once understood and loved her, trapped her as if she were a wild animal, all because of a terrible accident. Ingrid grows to distrust every normal human being, therefore she makes a bond with Emma and Elsa. Don't be too quick to judge the Snow Queen. Her evil comes from a place of loneliness and need to feel love, not from a vindictive place. Her actions are harmful and wicked, but her motives are pure. She just wants a family that will accept her. Don't we all want that? What would you do if you didn't have that? What lengths would you go to trade the icy pain of loneliness for the warmth of love and acceptance?

Villain Score: ROCKY ROAD

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986)

Directed by: Henry Winkler
Written by: William Bleich and Dolly Parton
Starring: Dolly Parton, Lee Majors, Bo Hopkins, Dan Hedaya, Anita Morris, Rene Auberjonois and John Ritter

Oh yes... It's happening.

And I'm dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas 

With the kids around the fireplace 

Makin' angels for the tree 

I'm dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas 

With nothing much that money buys 

But everything worth while in life 

Dreamin' of a Smoky Mountain Christmas

Look it's... CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

Yay, A Dolly Parton Christmas movie!!! YAY!!! God, I love this movie! I've watched this movie every year since I was a little itty-bitty! It never gets old, it's just one of those good movies, safe for anyone to watch. I forget how much I love this movie until I see it again. 

Yeah, Dolly needs to get away from the stress of paparazzi at her window. 

Dolly Parton plays Lorna Davis, a superstar Country singer (I know, it's a bit of a stretch for her.), who decides to escape her hectic life for a while by visiting the Smokey Mountains where she grew up for the Christmas season. When she gets to the cabin her friend lent her, she finds that seven runaway children have taken up residency there. Neither of them wanting to be found out, they agree to live together until after Christmas when they'll figure something out. Lorna also has to deal with a misogynist sheriff who's after her Kool-Aid, a jealous, crazed mountain witch who's envious that the Sheriff wants Lorna's Kool-Aid, a relentless paparazzi and Mountain Dan.  Will this be the Smokey Mountain Christmas Lorna dreams of, of will it just go up in smoke?

It's going to be an adorable Christmas film! You can already tell!

This is such a simple, fun movie. Miss Dolly is at her best as usual. Even more so because she was so connected to this role. Dolly is a lot like her character. Like Lorna, Dolly grew up in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee and came from a poor, mountain family. I love that she's in a secluded cabin with kids, yet she still has her hair, makeup and nails done to the nines. And if you thought Dolly wasn't going to sing in this movie, you'd be sorely mistaken! Any chance she gets to sing, she sings! And we love it! Watching Dolly interact with the kids is so amazing. You can tell she's not really playing a character, she's playing a version of herself. This isn't surprising considering she co-wrote this movie. You can tell this was a labor of love, not just for Dolly, but for everyone involved.

It's Six Million Dollar Mountain Dan!

Lee Majors plays Mountain Dan, a lawyer who's life got far too hectic so escaped to the mountains and became a loner. The kids are terrified of Mountain Dan at first, but the rumors of his cruelty and evilness has been exaggerated greatly. They soon learn Mountain Dan is a good guy. Obviously, Lorna and Mountain Dan become close... we he really wants to climb her mountains. Sorry I couldn't help myself. Lee Majors does a good job, though it wasn't necessarily a hard part for a former Six Million Dollar man to play considering he hardly had any emotion. 

I mean, if I were a cop, I would do the same thing, 

"You don't wanna sleep with me? Bitch, I'm on Dynasty!"

Bo Hopkins does a fantastic job as the smooth-talking Sheriff and main antagonist in this film. I just want to haul off and hit him so much it's fantastic. Then theirs Anita Morris. Anita Morris is probably the standout role in this movie. She plays Jezebel, the evil mountain witch who is obsessed with the Sheriff. Evidently the Sheriff and Jezebel used to be together, and he dumped her for another woman. Now she's making his life, and whatever woman catches his eye's life, a living hell. It even implies that she's killed a woman the Sheriff got close too before. She also has the best lines in the movie: "I am the most beautiful woman you have EVER seen." 

Don't mess with a mountain witch or her fabulous hair.

Guuurl... candles on the stairs? That's irresponsible 

The kids are fantastic and adorable and Dan Hedaya is great as the goofy, but lovable paparazzi. The movie was directed by Arthur Fonzarelli also known as Henry Winkler. This is one of his few directorial jobs and I think he did a fantastic job, especially working with seven kids. 

Dem nails... could she be anymore fabulous?

I wonder if that beard is itchy for her, and her wig for him. 

It's an elf version of Dolly!

I think I had a nightmare like this once...

I love how the movie is a modern fairytale, obviously inspired by Snow White. This movie is just the tits (pun intended)! I love it, and I hope it continues to warm the icy cold hearts of future generations just like it did mine. WE LOVE YOU DOLLY!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT! It's a happy ending!

How about them melon.... I mean... apples.