Unintentionally Creepy Music Videos

I love music videos. It's kind of an obsession. I'm sure making a music video is super hard (granted, I've never had to make one so I wouldn't know.), especially if you're trying to tell a story. You only have like 5-6 minutes to get your point across and for people to understand what the dick is going on. Unfortunately, not all music videos end up coming across as they're meant to be viewed. I mean, you might view them in the way they're meant to be seen, but I'm talking about me. My effed up mind views some of these videos as weird and unsettling. I'll stop babbling now, lets watch this shit!

Lionel Richie - Hello

I don't know what kinda Chris Hansen shit this is but I don't like it! You would think such an iconic song would have a somewhat better, less scary video, but no. 

Houston, we have a creeper.

The video is about a drama (Music?) teacher who is obsessed in love with one of his students who happens to be blind. You might be think "Awww that sounds sweet!" It's not! He follows her around to all her classes and she's completely unaware of his creepy presence. He knows what he's doing is wrong to because there's a scene where he's creepin' behind her and when her friends come up, he quickly backs away. He also calls her! It's kinda like Fatal Attraction: Art School edition. If this girl wasn't blind, she would have turned his ass into the Dean a loooong time ago! 

At the end of the video you find out she's been making this sculpture of him, so I guess that's supposed to validate his inappropriate behavior with his student? For all we know, the girl could have been like "I don't know what to fucking sculpt! I'll just sculpt my teacher and what I think he looks like!" It doesn't mean she wants to give you a blow-J, Lionel. Calm the fuck down! 

Props to you, gurl, for sucking up to the teacher, but he's gonna want you to suck something else is you want that A.

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Fuck this video. No seriously, fuck this video in the ass with something hard and spiky! This shit should not be in existence. I'm sure some pretentious fuck-tard has broken down the video as being full of profound, meaningful imagry that tells a rich story about human life. No, this video is about some sort of Rosemary's Baby lookin' military school set in Michael Jackson's wet dreams! It's stupid! 

The video starts with Bonnie Tyler in her room surrounded by lit candles and flowing fabrics. First off, that's dangerous Bonnie! Them fabrics could catch on fire! And with the amount of alcohol in your hairspray and in the director's blood stream, you two would go first! We then see some red fabric pushing some doors open and Bonnie walking down a back-lit hall looking into each of them seeing some boys sitting and desks, a bird boy and then a bunch of boys in Speedos having a bucket of water thrown on them. 

Then we're in a big room with dancing ninjas, boys having some sort of banquet and then people fencing. I don't know the fuck is happening. Here, I watched the video and broke down and time-stamped my thoughts. You're welcome. 

0:15 - Dove flying out of a door. Someone is getting fired. 
0:45 - DAMIEN!!! Check that boy for a 666 mark quick!
0:46 - Guuurl... you got too much eye makeup on. I know this is the 80's, but still. 
0:49 - Those red chiffon cloths are strong.
0:57 - Okay, so these boys are sitting in a class room where a breeze comes through and all their shirts fly open. Either that's a really strong gust of wind, or all these boys need to learn how to use buttons. And aren't they in some sort of military school? Isn't that a violation? Should they be getting demerits or some shit?
1:04 - Fuckin' bird boys.
1:11 - Seriously though... WTF?
1:15 - Them Ninjas have a career in certain parts of Hollywood if that whole "ninja" thing doesn't work out for them. They look like they should be belly dancing or something. 
1:24 - Let's raise our glasses to our first night at Michael Jackson's Military Academy for Boys ONLY! CHEERS!
1:37 - This is the gayest version of the Olympics I have ever seen.
1:55 - Cult of Henry Winklers??? For real? RUN!
2:13 - Gay football?
2:58 - I don't even know anymore...
3:06 - I know I'm saying a lot of things are gay... but this is GAY.
3:23 - If gold fell from my mask every time I took it off, I'd have a new profession.
3:27 - DEMONIC CHOIR BOYS!!! RUN BONNIE!!! FUCKING RUN!!!
3:34 - HELL NO!!! 
3:39 - I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
3:41 - Why are you wearing black lipstick? I mean, I get that this is a fucked up school and everything and it's not really out of the ordinary, but I kinda wanna know why.
3:49 - 3:54 - It's seriously like a teenage gay bar for a solid 5 seconds. 
4:23 - Are they in loin cloths? Hasn't this video gone far enough already without adding in the element of loin cloths? I feel like at this point, it's okay to say no to the loin cloths. 
4:31 - No gurl, that angel's Party City lookin' wings cannot protect you from those satanic, choir boys. They're going to kill you. 
4:51 - I feel like this is the point in the video where it's all supposed to make sense. We're all supposed to be like "Oh! Now I get it!" But no one gets it! 
5:09 - Oh fuck...
5:18 - Actually, the demonic, glowing eyes were your friend. Your actually, human eyes are worse. 

No one thinks you're being deep! Get away from that mirror!

I think the who premise of this music video is Bonnie is a teacher at a military school, and her students are graduating the next day so the whole messed up shit we're watching is her thinking back on the years she watched over them. The glowing eyes some of them have might be symbolic of the wisdom she gave them. Maybe the light within them is going to illuminate the future generation? I don't fucking know, I tried!

NOPE!

The literal video of this is better! Watch it below.

a-ha - Take On Me 

Yeah, yeah, I know this is considered one of the greatest music videos ever blah blah blah get off my DIIIACK!!! 

I know he's a comic book character, but I'm really jealous of his eyebrows.

I saw this when I was a kid and it scared the shit out of me! This girl gets pulled into the scary black and white comic book world where she's chased by evil race car drivers. I mean, I think it's cool now, but I used to hate it! And what would have happened if she could have never gotten out? Would she be stuck there forever? Does she want to be? I mean, yeah maybe now, but what about in a year when she realizes she has nothing in common with the comic book boy who pulled her in? Is she still going to want to stay there? I mean, you have to think about these things. 

Is your penis a bunch of sketch lines too? That's what she really wants to know. Sorry, you knew I had to go there. 

So there are some of the videos I find creepy, though they weren't intended to be creepy... I think. I'm just now realizing they're all 80's music videos! That wasn't on purpose, but daaayum, they had some messed up music videos back then. 

PEACE!!!